Thin Within

Please come visit!

2011-05-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

I felt like I needed to start over and re-create my blog. I don't want to focus solely on losing weight anymore. I have a lot of things going on and this just isn't my focus right now, which is partially why I stopped writing here.
Anyone who cares to follow me to my new home can click here.

I'm still going to be dieting and all that jazz and wilstill be talking about that when I feel the need, but the topics are going to be more broad based about what's going on in my life.

Hope it doesn't bore you!

Analysis of a derailed diet.

2011-03-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Well I am still incredibly busy these days.

But at least the scale is finally starting to cooperate (somewhat) after going off the strictly low-carb plan.

I know that lots of low-carb critics always warn you when going off of a low-carb diet that you are going to blow-up like a balloon, and I know that dedicated low-carbers often dismiss this phenomenon as being the result of people not gradually stepping up their carbs ad going on pasta and cupcake binges when they go off the diet.

My honest opinion? They’re both right.
Don’t get me wrong. I still think that the low-carb diet plan is the fastest and easiest way to lose weight. In fact I am still going to take a lot of the principles and apply them to what I am doing at the present moment. I am going to continue to avoid added sugars. No HFCS. No table sugar. No white flour, no white rice….
BUT
I am going to eat brown rice and whole wheat pasta. I am going to eat natural sugars occasionally in the form of whole fruit. I am going to be mindful of the calories I consume and try to keep myself at about 1200 calories a day. I am going to continue to make sure that I get enough protein and fat to keep me satisfied between meals and keep hunger at bay.

Right now I believe with my whole heart that this strategy is the only way I will be able to keep losing weight. I was doing great on the low-carb plan, when I was able to actually follow it the right way. And that is really the whole key. Low-carbing is easy, but you HAVE to follow- it exactly. There is NO cheating allowed. There is no margin for error. If you go over your allotted carbs even a little bit you have an intense craving for more and it takes unreasonable amount of will power to get back on track. If you can stick with it for about 4 or 5 days, that all goes away. But- every time you fall off the wagon, so to speak, it become harder and harder to get there.

And to be honest, that’s exactly where I found myself these past months. Following low-carb religiously I was able to lose 40 pounds in 6 months. I was psyched. It was awesome! People noticed that I was trimmed, healthier and happier.

So what went wrong? Those same people who asked over and over again how I was losing the weight never got “on-board” with the whole low carb lifestyle. They pretty much refused to support me. In some cases I got the distinct impression they were trying to sabotage me. I don’t know if it was intentional or subconscious or completely imagined. I do know that any time I had to eat anywhere other than my own home I was faced with food that I shouldn’t eat.
When my grandfather got sick last summer, I started spending more time at my mom’s to be with him. And I cheated.
When my grandparents passed away in the fall, my family gathered to comfort one another- I cheated.
When my mother in law came to town to visit for a few months she showed her love by cooking Sunday dinners, - I cheated.
When the holidays season rolled around and rich food was everywhere – I cheated.
When my husband went back to work and our schedules changed I found myself rushing to get my son home before 7:00pm with no time to even re-heat a meal. And I cheated.

All these moments of cheating caused my blood sugar to soar and plummet repeatedly. The cravings came flooding back and the steady progress I had so painstakingly worked for evaporated. All I was able to do was maintain my weight in the 220-225 range. The longer it stagnated, the harder it became to loose. Finally in these last months I pretty much gave up completely. I still paid lip service to trying to be healthier and get it under control, but the reality of the situation was that I often found myself eating pop-tarts or chocolate cake or donuts or pancakes or pasta…and the voice in my head whispered it was okay, that I could restart my diet tomorrow.

But tomorrow never came.
I stopped blogging as often, partly because my work policies changed and it became harder for me to post during the day. But also in part because I wanted to be honest here, and I couldn’t be honest with you when I wasn’t even really being honest with myself.
The last three weeks have been a real eye opener as I have participated in this work challenge. I realized how very little I move during the day. I realized that I really don’t eat enough veggies. When I logged everything for a few weeks it kind of put things into perspective a bit for me.
So why not go back onto the low-carb plan that I had so much success with?
That’s a hard question to answer. The best answer I can give you is that I just don’t want to. My blood sugar is fine, so I don’t feel I need to keep myself at 20 or 30 or 40 carbs per day anymore. I am still feeling intense stress both at work and at home and I don’t really have the will to overcome the hurdles of going through a two week induction again. I know as soon as I start to feel the “Atkins flu” I’ll give up and it will be more of the same nonsense that I’ve been lying to myself about.
Also - if I don’t have the support of the people around me, then I need a weight loss plan with greater flexibility in my food choices. That only really comes with counting calories.

So rather than restricting the quantity of my carbs, I’m going to simply limit myself to high quality carbs. My goal is to make sure that every bite I eat is as nutritious as possible. I will try to be mindful of the glycemic effect of the foods I eat. But the only real “rule” I am going to follow is to aim to eat 1200 or fewer calories.

I’ve been doing well so far. *fingers crossed*

If at first you don't succeed...

2011-03-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

Hi there,
I thought I should check in with y’all.

As you all know, I’ve been struggling. I had to take a step back and dedicate some of the energy I was putting into myself and my diet and turn that focus onto my family, particularly onto my child. I’m happy to say that the boy is doing better. He’s eating again, though still not as much as I would like, at least he is actually chewing and swallowing food at every meal now.

I think part of what triggered the most recent hunger strike was potty training. Seems the boy is somewhat of a genius and put together that if he drinks a lot he has to pee a lot. Then he started holding his poop because it got hard to pass and he became constipated. This caused him to have a belly ache and he lost his appetite. Cue food refusal and weight loss.

Once I got things, er…moving again…. *ahem* he started to drink more and then began to eat a little again. He was back to weighing 28 pounds as of this morning up from the low point of 25 (though still a little down from his high of 29 lbs in November). So crises averted for now.
I wanted to thank all of you for the great support and words of encouragement you gave me through all of this. It really meant a lot that you were there thinking of me and I appreciate it tremendously.
Now for the damage control.

Stress eating combined with the high-calories meals I was making for the boy have caused me to bounce up to 228.

This is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

So I am going to try to do better. I’m giving up red meat for lent. And as I mentioned before my two bestest girl friends at work and I are doing the “New Weigh to Move, Eat and Live” challenge. We’re team Mission Slimpossible. And I bought a cute new pair of kicks for walking on my lunch break. Sculpt and Tone sneakers from Fila.

I am going to try to update y’all more often, but they changed my internet access at work recently, so I’m not sure how that will go…I guess they want me to actually work instead of blog- go figure!

I will definitely try to get an update up at least once a week though, I like it too much ‘round here…

Later!

Still plugging along....for now...

2011-02-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm still here and trying to do my best. I'm not really following any plan per se, but I'm trying to at least watch my portions.
The frustrating thing is that I've gained weight in just the last week. How is it that you can gain in a week what it takes you a month to loose? It doesn't make sense.

My office weight loss challenge began today. We're teams of 3 so I think that will help me keep from jumping completely off the deep end and drowning my sorrows in a box of Dunkin' Donuts.

Now I'm going to try to get some exercise in before the day is over. I hear it can be a great stress buster....

I give up

2011-02-24T17:41:00.000-08:00

Nothing I am doing is working. I can't seem to get things moving any longer. I try so hard and then I fail and then I feel like failure. And I just can't emotionally take it any longer. Now that my husband is working and we're juggling the boy back and forth it feels like I have no time to cook any more. We can't afford for me to make 3 different dinners every night anymore. My son is losing weight again and I have to encourage him to eat. It doesn't matter what he's eating so long as he actually swallows at this point. Tonight all he had for dinner was apple slices. about 10 calories worth of apple slices.
I should have made Hamburger Helper for him. I know he would have eaten some of it. I didn't make it for him because my husband wasn't home and it seemed like a lot of food for a 2 year old and I didn't want to eat it. So I made him a couple of chicken nuggets and had the apple on the side along with some banana.
He ate the apple.
I know, there are parents who are reading passing judgment on me as they read this.
They are saying to themselves "why is she feeding her child junk?" "that's not a healthy meal for a preschooler" "kids don't need to eat that processed garbage anymore than we do"
Yeah, and before I became the mother to my son I would have agreed with you too.
But you've never had to deal with a child on the verge of failure to thrive. My son will go for days without eating. If it wasn't for the Pediasure he gets everyday I don't know what I would do. He will only eat high fat easy to chew meat. Chicken nuggets, hamburgers and hot dogs are staples. He will chew and stash chicken breast in his cheeks until he's in danger of choking. He will chew beef and spit out the meat once all the flavor and juices have been sucked from it. Pasta is hit or miss, depending on his mood. Vegetables are a no go, even though I put them on his plate every single time.
The only fruits he'll eat are apples and bananas and raisins. I try to include one of these with every meal. I give him the veggie juice and try to make healthier choices, whole wheat pastas for example. (by the way the Hamburger Helper in my cupboard is the whole wheat version, still not the best but better...)
But it's not easy. It's never been easy. And the bones are showing in his back and he's going on 3 and still wearing size 24 month old pants. And some of them are big still.
I don't have the energy to simultaneously make sure that he is getting enough while making sure I am not getting too much.
Plus - he eats better if he sees me eating the same food he is.
I might be catastrophizing this. I know he's had a cold for the last week, he's done this before, and he'll likely start eating again any day now.
I don't want to use this as an excuse to eat whatever I want...
But I just can't put the same focus on my diet right now that I did last year at this time.

A new challenge...

2011-02-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

Latest Weigh in: 221.0

So I didn't quite reach my goal, but I did lose. I"m not going to quit. I will persevere. In fact I decided to join a weight loss challenge that my work is running. I have two of my bestest work girlfriends joining me for our team. I need to come up with a name for our team though... any ideas?

The boy is sick so I don't have much time. I hope you are all well and I just wanted to pop on and say that I'm still here and still reading your posts and soon I'll have time to write a real post.

At least I hope I will have the time soon.

Love yourself!

America should not run on Dunkin'

2011-02-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

Weight today 221.0

I messed up. I've been home potty training the boy for the last 4 days. (it's going well, better than I expected at this point). The problem is that all of my focus and energy has to be on my son and his bladder at the moment. I can't leave him alone for 40 minutes to go cook a healthy meal. I knew this going in and I thought I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for was how tired I have become. So yesterday I had a bad moment where I ate a handful of chocolate candy leftover from Christmas and this morning I ran to Dunkin Donuts to pick up breakfast before my husband went to work. I got myself a egg white wrap and coffee and my husband a egg and cheese sandwich. I ordered 2 donuts, one for my son and one for my husband but the girl behind the counter made me buy 6 because she said it was cheaper to buy 6 than 2...I don't get it but I guess it's some sort of evil genius marketing ploy. Fine whatever, I still haven't had my coffee yet and I really need to get home, so I figure the boys will have extra donuts. When I get home I find out that my husband doesn't like the kind of donuts I picked out. He only likes cake donuts... I never knew he was such an aficionado of fried dough before. The boy also turned his little button nose up at them. I should have just thrown them away at that point in the game. That would have been the smart thing to do. But my sleep deprived malnutrition-ed brain made the bizarre twist and leap of logic that I was going to have to eat them. And since I've been home alone most of the day I have eaten 4 of them so far. The rest I'm trashing right now because I am utterly ashamed of myself and feel kind of sick over it.

If I ever win the mega millions I am going to take some of that money and open a low carb fast food joint so that people like me don't have to peel buns off their burgers or try to figure out what the hell they're going to eat if they just don't feel like cooking. I can't be the only one who just wants something easy once in a while...

2011-02-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been online much these last few days. I’ve been very busy becoming a NEW AUNT!

My baby sister had her baby on 1/22 and I’ve been a little preoccupied with Little Peanut.

I’m also battling my very own case of baby fever. (YIKES!)

My head says we can’t afford another little one right now and I really want to get back to my goal weight BEFORE getting pregnant again so it’s just going to have to wait.

My heart says babies are so freaking cute and precious and I’m not getting any younger and The Boy could really use a little brother or sister….

We’re not doing anything to stop it from happening per se…but it takes a bit of planning for me to get pregnant and we’re not doing the things we needed to do last time. So I guess I’ll just leave it in God’s hands for now. If He wants us to have another little one to raise, He’ll find a way to make it happen.

AS far as my weight goes, I was doing great, well maybe not great… but I was still losing up until Tuesday when it came time for my weigh in. I WAS down a pound on Sunday at 222.5 but then I went back up to 223.2. I originally chalked that up to sodium since I had spam and eggs the night before for dinner, but then today I was at 225. WTF!!! I must be getting ready to welcome Aunt Flo for a visit. It seems like it’s been about a month since I last saw her, so that HAS to be the reason.

One thing I am not doing is letting my frustration with the scale throw me off of my plan. If anything I will use it as motivation to step up my game. I may have to track my calories for a couple of days to get a clearer picture of what I’m eating. Increase my water intake. Run around with The Boy a little more at night.

In the past a bad weigh in like that would have sent me face first into the tub of sugar cookies I have in the kitchen for Husband and The Boy. Not this time though, and I’m very proud of myself for that.

OH! I almost forgot!

I have a non-scale victory to report. I was putting away some clothes and decided just for the heck of it to try on a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn for YEARS because they are a size 14. And they FIT. Well almost fit. If I’m honest about it I’ll admit that they are a little tight in the thighs and bootie, but the main thing is I can get them on and zipped without having to hold my breath. I was so happy I completely ignored the fact that my ass looked like a sausage about to burst and wore them all day long.

This upcoming weekend is D-day for potty training, I’m ridiculously excited about that and apologize in advance if my enthusiasm causes me to over share the next few days.

That’s it for me, friends!

Report card time

2011-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

Weight this morning: 223.5
Grade for the week- C+

When I was in school, I heard many of my teachers lament about how little effort I put into my work. They accused me of “skating by on my natural intelligence”. I was able to get the right answers without trying very hard, and never really gave back more than the bare minimum that was asked of me. I remember if given a 500 word essay I would keep count and only submit 500 words. If I had to make it 5 pages, I would adjust margins and font size until I got a 5th page filled. In math class I rarely “showed my work” and I almost never raised my hand. Since technically the work I submitted was correct they couldn’t fail me, but they rarely gave me a grade higher than a B.

I think my teachers thought I was lazy, though if I could tell them now, the truth is that I was bored. I didn’t really see the point to a lot of what I was studying in high school. I still don’t really. I can’t remember the last time I had to figure a differential equation. I don’t recall ever needing to know when the French Indian war ended.

The same sort of apathy I had about my studies in high school is creeping into my plans to lose weight. I’m not putting in the effort that I should be to see top notch results. There is a part of my brain that I am convinced is still a surly adolescent who just doesn’t see the point in putting in hard work when she can just skate by and “maintain”. She complains about having to exercise, puts in the bare minimum effort. She cheats on her food allowances, justifies errors and hides her mistakes.

So it’s no wonder that I’m not seeing the results I want. I know that I can do better than this. I want to do better than this. I even know how to do better than this.

So why did I find myself in the kitchen when my husband was giving my son his bath stuffing a cookie into my mouth last week? Why did I eat the last spoonful of rice when I was dishing out dinner last night before bringing the plates to the table? Why am I still hitting the snooze alarm rather than getting up and exercising in the morning?

I guess what I don’t know, is how to make what is in my head and heart translate into action. Maybe I need more structure. Maybe I need more accountability.

I think it might help if I forget the bigger picture for a while and just focus on smaller projects, shorter term goals that will get me closer to the overall result that I want to achieve. I’m figuring that if all goes according to plan this year, I would like to lose another 40-50 pounds. This would mean that I would start 2012 at what I consider to be my ideal weight. But that is so far away and such an abstract concept for me at this point and I’m simply not doing what I need to do to get there and I think if I don’t change something I’ll have another year of not quite meeting my personal goals again.

So here is my first attempt at breaking it down. By February 14 (Valentine’s Day) I want to achieve the following-
• Lose 5 pounds bring my weight down to 218
• Cut and color my hair
• Complete at least 8 20 minute workouts in the morning.
• Complete at least 8 30 minute workouts in the evening.

I remember as a young girl I was always told that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else in this world to love you. So this year for Valentine’s Day I’m giving myself a little tough love. I’m going to prove to myself that I do think I’m worth more.
I’m going to put in the “A” effort.

Getting over that hurdle.

2011-01-19T06:32:00.001-08:00

Weigh in this morning: 221.4

Mood: Overall fairly positive.

I think I am finally breaking free from the damage I did over the last few months. I’m tempted (extremely tempted) top try to blame my recent fall off the wagon on the holidays, but I know it was more than that and started well before “holiday season”.

I’ve been able to leave the carbs alone completely the last few days, I think this is because I stocked up on acceptable items. I find when I’m ready to snack, I have to have a low carb alternative ready and waiting for me. I’m still not quite over my cravings for sweets, but I know that will come in time if I’m consistent. I’m hoping I can keep it up consistently for at least another week. I feel like it will take about one more week before I reach that sweet spot where I can eat my foods without thinking about the other stuff around me, or even really wanting it. *Fingers crossed*

In other news - I ended up breaking a tooth 2 nights ago. It was an old root canal that I never got a crown for and I guess the tooth became brittle as a result. So now I have to get a post and crown put in. So much for saving cash this year….

I’m also on the hunt for a potty training method for my son. The boy is frustrating me. I can get him to sit on the potty chair, but not actually go potty in it. For instance the other night I asked him to use the potty before his bath time. He sat on it, made a “pisssssssss” sound with his mouth, said “No, don’t have to” got up and went into the living room where he pee’d all over my hardwood floor. At least he was courteous enough to avoid the carpet, I suppose. I’m at a loss for how to go about this because he has sensory integration disorder and I’m not certain that he feels when he needs to go the same way other kids do. He has problems with body awareness in that he doesn’t always realize when he’s hungry, thirsty, hot, cold etc until it’s imperative. He often goes for hours without eating and then suddenly a switch will flip and he’ll start screaming that it’s “TIME TO EAT!!” Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I’m all ears. He’s going to be 3 in April and I would really like to have him at least starting to use the toilet by his birthday…

That’s it for me today folks.

Be well!

Change is good.

2011-01-14T08:12:00.001-08:00

There is something inside of me that is changing. I’m growing, maturing and gaining strength. For most of my life I have had an awful habit of second guessing myself. I felt timid and shy; secretly believing that I wasn’t “good enough”. I didn’t believe love would ever come my way. I never thought that I deserved to better things in life. That’s changing now. As I grow older I am finding a desire to give myself the nurturing that I clearly missed out on earlier in life. My husband and son have taught me so much about what it means to love and be loved in return. I know I am not the best wife or the perfect mother, but still they love me just the same and that is a wonderful safety net.

Now that I have the comfort of knowing that I can mess up, that I don’t have to be perfect; I feel empowered and more confident to take steps I was too afraid to take before. I still have a long way to go, but I believe I can do it. I believe that I deserve it.

I’m still sick and battling a terrible cold. I rarely ever get sick and I really don’t handle it very well. I’ve been a bit of a baby lately but I’m still doing the best that I can.

I found out that my job is (most likely) safe for at least another year. Which is a relief, but I still don’t have the feeling of genuine job security that I had prior to the merger. At least I can relax a little and I have time to try to sock away as much money as I can in the meantime. Part of me was looking forward to a lay off, I was hoping to be able to take a break from the 9-5 for a couple of months and just hang with the boy. They were going to give me 12 weeks of severance pay if they laid me off this year as part of the contract for the merger, not a bad sum to bum around for the summer on. Since they are keeping me longer, I’ll only get a measly 6 weeks if they decide to lay me off after November 1st. So I’m really hoping that means they don’t plan to lay anyone else off for some time to come, because if I miss out on the extra severance pay by only a month or two I’ll be royally pissed.

I’m doing okay with the food. Yesterday would have been perfect except that I woke up in the middle of the night with a pukey stomach due to the severe nasal drip I’ve had, so I ate a couple of my son’s graham crackers to help settle my stomach. If I can just kick this cold I think I’ll be right on track.

I hope you all are having success meeting your goals so far this year!

Soul Searching

2011-01-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

There a certain blogger who asks us the question “why do you do this?” every week. I look forward to these posts because I always find it so wonderful and inspirational to see the why behind everyone’s efforts. It’s not easy to do this, it very hard and can be a struggle more often than not. We deprive ourselves and push our bodies and quite literally fight against years of ingrained habit.

To be successful at anything this difficult one has to be highly motivated. So what motivates a person to turn their lifestyle (and quite often the lifestyle of their entire family) completely upside down? What will motivate me to do it?

This is a question burning in the back of my mind right now. If I am completely honest I have a serious motivation problem at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want the results; I really do want my young hot body back. I’m just finding it incredibly difficult to find the will to take the small steps that will eventually add up to the big result.

I seem to be sputtering along this journey while so many others are motoring along at a nice even pace. As soon as I start to gain some steam, my engine stalls. I’m driving a Jalopy, my body is a lemon and I’m being passed by dozens of young sporty models who have nicely tuned engines and a seemingly endless supply of fuel.

So I find myself these days disheartened somewhat. I’m wondering if I can even do this. If it’s even worth the effort it takes anymore. I thought that my health would be a factor, so I went to the doctor hoping to be scared straight. Turns out I’m a very healthy obese person. Blood pressure is normal, triglycerides are good, and blood sugar is healthy….

The doctor should have lied to me, told me I was pre-diabetic or that I had high cholesterol or something.

I tried dozens of times to quit smoking because it was “unhealthy” but I was never successful at doing it until I got pregnant and the abstract health consequences became a concrete right here, right now kind of need.

It makes me angry to see little or no change when I put in a good week. It makes me more jealous than I care to admit when I see other folks losing 5 pounds a week consistently. I have seen people who started off almost a hundred pounds heavier than me pass me by. While I’m applauding their success I can’t help but turn inward at the same time and wonder what the hell I’m doing wrong, why can’t I make it happen? If they can do it why can’t I?

Then it occurs to me that I can do it. I might be driving a hooptie car, but it still runs. It might take me longer to arrive at the party, but I’ll still get there eventually. As long as I have good friends around me to give me a jump start from time to time I’ll be just fine.

My journey is just that – my journey. It’s no one else’s. I cannot compare my success or failures to others. I will get there in my own time, my own way. I will sputter and stall and kick the tires along the way. But I will also make repairs along the way, buy the premium gas and get the engine cleaned and replace a few belts and hoses that are worn out. I’ll take the time to get some much needed body work done. By the time I arrive I’ll look almost as good as new.

I guess what is motivating me to not give up is that, while I may have the body of an old beat-up truck, I have the heart and soul of a hotrod. I am bound and determined to make the outside match the me that is inside again.

Home Sick

2011-01-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

I called out sick from work today. At first I was planning to fake it because I had no one to watch the boy. But then last night I actually got the worst sore throat of my life. So I didn't even have to lie this morning when I left the message that I was not going to be in today.

I have no desire or energy to clean, so while I really should be putting away Christmas today, I decided instead to try to figure out this whole twitter thing. So I opened an account. Those of you I could find, I followed. But I was really having a hard time figuring the whole thing out. If you want me to follow you, just hit the button that I put at the top of my blog and follow me. I promise I will follow you back.

Due to the illness, I haven't been ~~completely~~ at all on plan. I wish I could tell you the worst thing I had today were Sucrets. But I can't. I'm cutting myself a little slack though because it really does hurt to swallow, especially meat. So I'm eating mostly mushy soft stuff, which unfortunately isn't really low carb.

Then again, when it hurts to eat, how much does one generally consume?

So far, so good...

2011-01-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

Today's official Tuesday weigh in - 225.2
I'm still up from my lowest weight but down a couple of pounds from what I started the year at.

I'm home today with my little boy who has a winter bug. My sister in law normally watches him, but she's out of town this week so my husband and I are trading days off, each working half the week. I guess it worked out well because since he's not feeling well he's been exceptionally clingy (even regressing to wanting me to sleep with him all night), so he probably wants his mommy a little more than typical. It's not working out in the sense that I had hoped to get so much more accomplished with my time off, like organize my apartment finally...

I'm feeling like I'm in desperate need of a makeover. Not just my weight, but all over. I have succumbed to the mommy syndrome of taking care of everyone but myself. I need to change this. I need to learn that I deserve to be taken care of too. So I am going to find time to go through my wardrobe and have a make-believe "what not to wear" session in my bedroom this weekend and throw out half of my clothes.
I would have to guess that most of what I own either doesn't fit properly anymore or is hopelessly out of date. I have more clothes than I have room for, yet I have nothing to wear most days. Then I will buy the key items I find I need to round out and update my wardrobe one at a time over the next year. I think this simple (though not easy) step will go a long way in making me feel like an attractive, fashionable woman again. And it gives me a built in system of non-food rewards. So instead of celebrating with a Latte and a cupcake, I can celebrate with a new belt or a pretty camisole.

By 2012 I'll be so damn hot my hubby won't know what hit him!

A Fresh Start

2011-01-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I love new year's because it represents a fresh start. All of the things that went wrong over the recent past can be forgotten and let go. For me it's a time to forgive and forget, not only the slights that others have dealt me, but also for my own shortcomings. I don't really make resolutions so much as I try to cleanse myself of unwanted baggage. My weight has been some pretty heavy baggage for some time.

I accomplished a lot towards my weight-loss goals in 2010, but I got derailed about halfway through and lost sight of what I was trying to accomplish.
To be perfectly honest, 2010 sucked big time.
But that is all behind me now, 2010 is over and 2011 is a brand new year, a year ripe with possibilities for positive changes.
I'm starting out the year at 228 pounds. I gained about 10 pounds back. But I can lose them and more this time around.
Today was a good food day. I watched my carbs all day and aside from a very small bite of cookie (I forgot for a second) I consumed no sugar. Now I just have to have 363 more days exactly like this one.
And since it's a new year, I decided to go with a new look for my page. I'm not sure that I"m done fiddling with it, but I do like it a lot better now. Hopefully someday it will look as good as all of your blogs do.

Here's hoping for a healthy and prosperous new year!

How to make a fresh start count.

2010-12-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I went wrong lately. I started off the year with a great deal of momentum and it all just fizzled away. I think part of it was that I became overconfident of my success. When I started doing well, I allowed that nasty little demon in my ear to tell me that it was okay if I cheated just a little. Then one little cheat led to bigger cheats….

I justified it, saying that I was too stressed to worry about one more thing. I had enough important things causing me anxiety, why should I worry about what I’m eating? Something has to give and it might as well be my diet… I thought.

My extended circle of friends and family didn’t fully support or understand my decision to follow a low carb lifestyle. I had well meaning folks suggest diet killers like allowing myself one day a week to have whatever I wanted or pushing me to have that glass of wine and not count it… I know that eating too many carbs while on a low carb diet is the kiss of death. Yet somehow I always manage to let someone convince me that this time it will be okay.

So how can I make 2011 better? I need to set some rules.

1. I know that low carb is the easy, craving free, happy path to weight loss. So I am no longer going to even entertain other suggestions or criticisms. This is my plan. It doesn’t have to be your plan. I don’t care what other people think about it anymore.

2. There is no such thing as a “Free Lunch”. That means that if I am choosing to do low carb, then I must commit myself to being low-carb ALL THE TIME. Calorie counters can occasionally have a “treat” meal of higher fat/calories for a special occasion and make up for it later. Low-Carbers cannot do this. You can’t “save” carbs for a splurge. Even if I eat nothing but chicken breasts and bacon for a week solid I cannot suddenly have a bowl of pasta without bringing back all the cravings I worked so hard at eliminating.

3. I will not worry and stress about my diet, food is just food after all. If I am hungry, I will eat. I will make a conscious choice to always have food in my house that I can grab and eat that are okay on my plan. I will stock up on Jerky and make Deviled Eggs and snack on pork rinds, cheese and olives. I will learn how to make sugar-free sweets to keep on hand. I will do the work ahead of time so when a munchies crisis strikes I can easily address it without having a meltdown because I have nothing I can eat in the house.

4. I will greet my successes with renewed commitment to my plan and not reward my work with a self sabotaging food treat.

5. I will have a realistic expectation of how much weight I should lose in a year. Yes I recognize that there are people in the blogosphere who have lost well over a hundred pounds in a year. I applaud their efforts and wish them all the best. However, I also recognize now that the rate of loss they are enjoying is not healthy or maintainable for me. I will not try to be like anyone else or become jealous when others put up big weight loss numbers each week, I will simply do the best that I can do and be proud of my own effort.

I have other resolutions too. I want to focus on my personal and professional growth this year. I want to find a work/life balance that I can live with. I want to get a handle on my family’s finances for once and for all.

How about everyone else? What are you focusing on in 2011?

2010 is almost done

2010-12-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

I am very very happy that this year is coming to a close. 2010 was not a good year for my family. I did manage to lose a lot of weight, but the stress caught up with me around August and I stopped losing and just really maintained for the last half of the year. I'm hoping that with the new start that the new year brings I can re-motivate myself enough to lose the rest of the fat that is weighing me down and finally get back to looking like myself again.

I notice when I look at photos of myself that I look a lot bigger than my mental projection of myself looks. Isn't that odd? I wonder if it's like that body dysmorphic thing that anorexics get except in reverse... I hate it though because it makes me not want to have my picture taken. And at the holidays lots of pictures are being taken all the time.

Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely holiday season, and I wish us all success in 2011!
See you soon!

My post Christmas excercise

2010-12-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

To School or not to School...

2010-12-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

I am deliberating a lot lately over this question. My son is turning 3 in April and while my Sister in Law is watching him while she is out of work and looking for a job, I know this is a temporary fix. So pre-school is likely in the future for him, though I'm not sure I like the idea. I know he could use more interaction with children his own age and all, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm abandoning him to strangers. Then there is my husband, working a dead end job at 40 and hating every minute of it. I hate seeing him unhappy and have suggested maybe he look into going to school in the evenings to learn a new career. Ideally he would be able to watch the boy during the day while I work and attend classes during the evening/weekend. It would be tight, we would certainly miss the extra income, but (assuming I still have a job and all) I think we could make it work. Finally there is me. My company offers tuition reimbursement which means I could get my MBA on the company dime. That would mean many more opportunities for me and more money eventually too. Of course that also means adding a school flavor to my stress stew and one more thing to take my time and attention away from my family... So I don't know if the timing is right now.
If I didn't have a young child, I would do it in a heartbeat though.
So that's what's been weighing on my mind.
I've been enjoying my break from dieting this past month. I was feeling guilty about it, but now I realize that sometimes you have to let some things in life go. That means prioritizing what's important and what can wait. For me, knowing that - aside from being about 50 pounds heavier than I would like to be- I am actually quite healthy mean that weight loss (at this point) is primarily a vanity thing for me.
Sure I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm doing it for health, etc. But at this point that's less than honest. Mainly I want to look good and feel younger. I want to have the body I had 15 years ago. I want to look hot and turn heads and not have my child ashamed of his old fat goofy mama. I want my husband to look at me lustfully and to feel jealous of me in front of other guys. He already does, but I want more of that...LOL. So next week I'm bringing out the big guns. I can boast a net loss this past year of about 25 pounds. That's roughly 2 pounds a month, it's not bad, but it's not great. I can do better than that.
I will do better than that.

Starting to turn around again...

2010-12-14T10:56:00.001-08:00

Wait… what was that? Did I just feel… a spark? Could it be? Am I getting my groove back? Is it over?

I think I might be.

Thank God.

I’m still not quite back to my old self yet. I still feel slower, more tired, and more unmotivated than normal. BUT I feel less of those things than I did a week ago. Which is good right? I have been reading blogs, reading comeback stories. Reading about all of your successes and failures and learning all I can from it.

See the thing that most people who aren’t struggling with this don’t get is that it’s not simple. Yes there are hundreds if not thousands of diet and fitness plans. Yes, if you follow them all faithfully each one will make you lose weight. That’s not the problem for most of us though.

This journey is making me realize some things about myself. I was in complete denial about them before. For instance, on more than one occasion I have caught myself mindlessly putting food into my mouth when I didn’t want to and felt powerless to stop it. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I have been dieting off and on for years. I don’t need another book. I don’t need another miracle plan. I don’t need to buy the magazine at the checkout that promises I can still lose 10 pounds by Christmas.

What I need is to sever the connection between my mood and my mouth. That seems like an impossible feat at the moment. I had considered cognitive behavior therapy, but I’ll be honest, I don’t have the time at the moment and can’t really take off from work for appointments, what with the merger and all.

I think I am going to try one of those hypnosis for weight loss seminars that I see advertised every now and then at the local community college. I’ve also seen free self-hypnosis videos on You Tube, so I might try one of those if I can’t find a seminar coming up soon. Has anyone tried this yet? I’m curious to see if it might help. I know a friend of mine did it when she was trying to quit smoking and said it helped, at least for a while.

I never thought I had an addictive personality before now. I was always so proud of myself that I was able to quit smoking without much drama, I just had to want to quit. I went through a reckless phase in my twenties full of experimentation involving countless illegal items, yet never got in over my head, never found myself out of control. I have alcoholics peppered throughout my family tree, yet never felt that compulsion myself. Sure I partied, but I could always take it or leave it.

Truth be told, I always thought the idea of “food addiction” was a myth. I thought it was an excuse that fat people gave themselves for making poor food choices. I guess I was in denial. It occurs to me that there is a common thread to all addictions. They are all behaviors that we turn to for comfort when stressed or to indulge in to celebrate. Drinking, drugging, gambling, smoking, eating, sex…. They all fit this criteria. My guess is they all have similar stages of recovery as well.

So the first step is admitting you have a problem right. Well I admit it. I have a problem and I want to do something about it.

I'm not sure I can do this right now.

2010-12-08T08:25:00.001-08:00

I am struggling.

I just don’t have the energy for this anymore. I am going through a merger at work, so I am not even certain I will have a job in 6 months. My husband finally found a job so the slack he had been picking up at home is back on my plate. I have a child who we just found out is apparently allergic to nuts and is a picky eater as it is…I feel constantly like I am being asked to give more, more, more… And this is leaving very little left over for myself.

I am tired of reading food labels. I am tired of obsessing over how much fat/carbs/calories are in every bite of food. I don’t have the energy to pretend that “healthier versions” of “bad foods” taste just as good or are just as satisfying. Let’s be honest, fat free cheese is just nasty and sugar free stuff doesn’t have the right texture and the flavor is always a little…off. When I’m wanting to snack while watching a movie at home, I want convenience, I don’t want to have to whip up a recipe at 10PM after SAK finally goes to sleep.

So I haven’t really been thinking about my diet much lately. So I haven’t been talking about it here either. I have read a blog here or there, mainly to check in on some dear friends I’ve met online. But I see what happens when weight loss bloggers fall off the wagon. There are those among us that take this as an opportunity to jump all over them and rip them a new one. I don’t think that I could take that myself. Now I’m not saying that I expect everyone to be a cheerleader and just support all that I do yadda, yadda, yadda… But since when did our ability to lose a pound define or not define our worth as a human being?

I have gained a few pounds back the last couple of weeks. (It’s depressing how much faster and easier they come back than they go away, isn’t it?) I am well aware that the reason I gained is because I have been eating like shit recently. And yes, I will probably be one of those annoying bloggers who has a “renewed commitment” as part of her New Year’s resolution. If that annoys you, I apologize in advance. I, like most people, am just doing the best that I can. I needed the break.

I would love to tell you now that I am going to strap in for the next 3 weeks to finish off 2010 strongly. But I don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m sure that sounds disappointing to some of you looking for inspiration on your own journeys. I’m sorry for disappointing you.

I hope that I can turn it around soon. I don’t like the direction that the scale has been going in since Halloween. I am sure that I am slightly depressed, probably because of the lack of sun and warm days. I feel the biological imperative to hibernate more strongly than most people I know. I want to snuggle in warm blankets and eat warm, sweet, gooey things while watching movies on my couch, moving as little as possible.

I hope it turns around soon.

Thanksgiving thoughts.

2010-11-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned before that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? No, it’s not because I like having a handy excuse to eat and eat all my favorite comfort foods until I’m so full I have to unbutton my pants.

I love Thanksgiving because it’s all about love and family. Sure there are the uncomfortable moments with the in-laws and that one uncle who just doesn’t know when he’s had enough to drink. For the most part though, it’s the last American holiday to have avoided the rampant commercialization that has all but sucked the joy out of the others. It’s the herald of the Christmas season. It’s warm and cinnamon scented and a day set aside to snuggle up with gratitude and the ones we love the most in this world.

I am grateful for so much in my life. I have so many blessings and so much love that I cannot help but be thankful for all of it. So bring on the feast and celebration, I intend to fully enjoy all that life has to offer, including dinner and desert tomorrow. Hopefully the damage won’t be too bad, at least I know it’s not permanent. Then once the leftovers are gone and the sun rises on Monday morning it will be back to struggling to eat less and pushing myself to move more.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Enjoy!

It cheated!

2010-11-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

Cannoli cake – 1, Xina – 0

I would say I want a re-match, but who am I kidding. It’s better if we just avoid each other from now on.

The littlest things bug me sometimes.

2010-11-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have to learn to not care so much about what other people think. I'm an emotional eater. I can totally see that now. It's something I have to work on, and I know I'll get there eventually, but it's hard. I think up until now I've been approaching it wrong. I get upset or hurt and them try to resist eating. I think it might do me more good to just not let things upset me so much. Easier said than done, I know.

On a positive note, my blood work came back and everything looked good. I just have a vitamin D deficiency and I'm borderline Anemic. The doctor wants me to come in for a follow-up to discuss those two things. I'm not surprised about the vitamin D. I burn after being exposed to sunlight for longer than 10 minutes so I always wear sunscreen. I also seem to have a minor intolerance for dairy, so I avoid milk. As for the anemia, I've been told I have this since my son was born. Nothing seems to get that up. I've tried eating spinach until my poop is green, doesn't seem to matter. I guess I'll have to take an iron supplement, but I hate doing it because I always seem to get constipated when I do that.

I"m not losing anything, but I also find myself cheating every 3 or 4 days recently. My baby sister had her baby shower last weekend (I am so excited to be an aunt finally! I can't wait!) My company finalized the merger yesterday so I am now officially no longer employeed by O. inc. which is sad because this was the first real, career-type of job I've had and I really owe this company a lot. I'm sure there will be more opportunities at Company M. since it's so much bigger and all -BUT- I am nearly buckling under the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen to me and my job. Will I have to re-locate? will my position be eliminated? will I be laid off? will I be reassigned to a different department?...... These are the questions keeping me up at night.

Worry sucks. It's really a useless emotion. And I have more than my fair share of it I think. I also worry in the worst way, I obsess over things. I worry about events that have such a miniscule chance of ever actually coming true. I can't stop the anxiety, I mull it over and over, imagining the whole scenario playing out in my head. It really does me no good whatsoever. I've wasted so much time and energy on worrying about things that I have no hope of changing, things that are completely and utterly out of my control. I have to learn to let go and trust God more. If anyone has any tips on how to acheive that, please let me know.

That's all for tonight, take care of you!

Ahhhh I needed that!

2010-11-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

My mom and sister came over last night to watch my son so Hubby and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. We went to see Due Date (very funny, I love Robert Downey) and then went to Houlihan's for dinner. We had a really good time. We laughed, we held hands, It was just what we needed to re-connect as a couple. I wasn't exactly on plan last night- but I didn't go overboard either. This morning I am back on track and staying there.

Today I am basking in the afterglow of a perfect romantic evening.

Sak seems to be okay. The big episode I was dreading seems to have receded. So I either dosed him with the right mixture of medicine to head it off early enough, or the fates were just messing with me a few days ago. Either way, I am eternally thankfull to God above that he didn't have to go though that again. This little reminder that he is fragile will be with me for a long time to come. No more taking his schedule for granted.

I'm about to head off to get my hair cut this morning. Tomorrow is my sister's baby shower. I am very excited to become an Aunt for the first time. She's a little girl and I am thrilled to be able to buy all the cute little frilly pink things I was denied when shopping for my boy.

Oh and my weight? 216 yesterday (didn't weigh myself this morning). The lowest number I've seen on the scale yet!

Happy Anniversary to me!

2010-11-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

I would really like some cheese with my whine please!

2010-11-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

I am really unmotivated right now.

And I’m not just talking about weight-loss. I’m pretty much unmotivated to do anything at the moment. I have a ton of work on my plate at the office and I don’t even want to begin to sort through it all. I have to clean my apartment in the worst way and I keep putting it off. I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping yet. I have bill collectors calling me because I procrastinated sending out all of our bills this month.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. The only thing I want to do right now is spend a day or three wrapped up in a warm blanket and read a good book. Alone. With no interruptions.

Tomorrow is my 4th wedding anniversary. I love my husband very much. He’s a good man. In many ways he’s superior to most other guys. He takes on a lot of the childcare. He does laundry and cleans the bathrooms. He loves me more than anything else in the world. I’m taking some time off tomorrow and my mom is watching the boy so we can spend some time as just man and wife and not mom and dad. This is good. We need this time. We should have more of this time together as a couple. We don’t get enough.

I’m nervous about leaving my son though. So far he’s been okay, despite the return of the head tilt yesterday, he seems fine so far. So I’m not cancelling our date, but in my mind I’ve already put myself on stand-by alert. I am hoping that after today, if he still seems normal that I will be able to believe we dodged a bullet and finally relax again.

And I’m hungry today. I forgot that I was out of egg beaters at work so all I had was a cup of coffee. And I have a box of cereal that I’m not allowed to eat staring me in the face. And I have a chicken parm lean pocket in the freezer- also off limits. And it’s only 10:30 and I have 2 hours before my lunch break. I might have to sneak out early.

Grumble grumble.

I definitely have my cranky pants on this morning.

This really sucks

2010-11-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a really long time it looks like my son is about to have one of his episodes. The old warning signs were all there this morning. Now it's just a matter of waiting for it to hit. Right now he's with my mother-in-law and I'm checking in periodically. If past history is still accurate the attack will likely start later this afternoon or maybe tomorrow morning.
I hate this.

I hate the waiting, feeling powerless to help him. I hate watching his little body slowly contort until he can no longer maintain his balance to walk upright. I hate the confused look in his eyes because he doesn't understand what is happening to him.

I hate knowing that he will slip away from me for a few hours. That's the worst part of it for me, worse than even the persistant severe vomiting. He slips away to somewhere in his head that I cannot follow. He becomes almost catatonic and goes limp. It's scary and I don't know if he's in pain or not. I cannot comfort him when he's there.

I know it will resolve on it's own and that aside from possible dehydration and his discomfort there isn't much to worry about. But it still sucks.

And I'm angry. I'm angry that small children are allowed to suffer and be sick in this world. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I'm angry that we went so long without incident that I finally allowed myself to relax and feel that we were safe and had gotten past this thing.

I'm sad that I can't stay home with him. I feel guilty that we need tohave both parents working to make ends meet. I worry that this is coming back again because my husband got a job and so he isn't able to stay home with him anymore and it screwed up his schedule.

I just want to yell curse words to the universe right now.

Can you say YUM!

2010-11-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

I have a new love.

This is a true, deep, passionate love. Now that I found it, I don’t think I can imagine a future without it in my life.

Spaghetti squash.

I have done low carb off and on a few times. I can get over my cravings for sweets fairly quickly. (and if not I can usually whip up something that satisfies the urge with a little ingenuity.)

But breads and pastas are my downfall. I have to admit, I don’t much care for soy or almond flour much. I only whip up the baked low carb stuff when I just can’t take it anymore. If the craving strikes hard for pasta though, I don’t have much recourse. I try to kill it with the best possible alternative, which up until now were small amounts of home made whole wheat pasta with extra fiber added to the dough. I was almost tempted to try to may soy noodles (I still might attempt this) but then I thought, heck let me try the spaghetti squash thing.

It takes time to prep- I’ll warn you up front. You have to bake the squash at 350 for about an hour until it’s tender. Then cut it in half and scoop out the seeds. Then you take a fork and use it to pull out the spaghetti-like strands of squash from the skin. Top with your favorite sauce and voila! Low carb pasta. I made mine up with alfredo sauce and added grilled chicken, zucchini and mushrooms. It was really very good. Actually, I liked it better than pasta and my husband who does not do low carb and is very reluctant to try new veggies even said he really liked it a lot.

I also think it will be good with pesto, and maybe even shrimp/chicken scampi. I’m not sure about tomato sauce, but tomato is usually higher in carbs anyway.

So if you are like I was and read about this squash and have always been scared to try it, don't be scared. It's good. Real good.

Oh. My. God. Good.

And right now it's very much in season, so give it a try!

Crash.

2010-11-05T06:53:00.001-07:00

I am starting to lose faith in people.

This morning on my way into work someone cut me off and my car skidded into a stop sign. My tire was flat and I busted a tail light and got a few scratches on my bumper. Ok, I can totally live with that. I’m fine. My son wasn’t in the car. I’ll need a new rim and probably new tires.

But here’s the part that really has me fuming. The guy that caused the accident never stopped. He had to have seen me skid out. I know he saw that I crashed. But did he take the time to stop and see if I was even okay? No. He just kept going to wherever it was he was in such a hurry to get to.

What happened to human decency? Common courtesy? No one else stopped either- not the people driving behind me or on the other side street. I didn’t have my phone on me so I had to try to flag someone down to help me. Finally a very nice man stopped. He was a volunteer fireman off duty. He called the police for me and waited with me until they showed up.

Even if I had no part in an accident I wouldn’t think to keep going after I witnessed one. Not until I at least stopped to make sure the person was okay. It just wouldn’t occur to me that getting to work on time would be more important than helping someone who might potentially be injured or need help.

In the end the police came out to take a police report for insurance purposes. He said it wasn’t my fault, but then explained that since the other vehicle didn’t stop, I would be on the hook for my deductible.

Why can’t I catch a break? Grrrrr. This really grates my cheese.

South Beach here I come!

2010-11-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Weight: 217.2

So I got up this morning and went to get my blood work done. I spent the last 4-5 days eating a "normal" amount of carbs because I wanted to make sure that the numbers reflected what my body is really doing and not the diet I was on. It was lovely! I indulged in bread, fruit, rice, a couple of cookies and I even made lasagna for dinner on Saturday. But now that my draw is done it's time to start the regimen that my Doctor prescribed. He wants me to follow the South Beach diet and start excercising more. I've heard good things about South Beach, I know it's a little easier to live with long term than Atkins which is what I usually do when going low carb. So this morning I had 2 eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage and am about to have my coffee with fat-free half and half and splenda. Since I had breakfast so late I will likely skip lunch and just have a little snack instead. Maybe some low-fat cheese. We'll see.

I'm trying to psyche myself up for this round, but I have to tell you- I'm kind of sick of dieting and the whole eating whatever I wanted without thinking about it I was doing the last few days was really nice and I'm going to miss it. But I have to establish this new habit before the holidays set-in. I'd hate to un-do all the sacrifices I've made over this year.

Walking on Eggshells

2010-11-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

So I think my mom has Border-line personality disorder.

She flies of the handle for very minor (and sometimes imagined) infractions. She is overly jealous of my time and other people in my life. She has ruined more days than I care to admit or think about. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.

Examples of what I’m talking about here-

When I gave birth to my son she stormed out of the room in a tiff because my in-laws came up to see me and the baby. She was angry with my husband for eating a hamburger. She was angry at my 3 hour old son because I had to get a C-section and she didn’t like the way everyone was fawning over him.

She gets angry at Christmas because she feels like my in-laws buy too many presents for my son. She takes it personally like they are trying to show her up and make her look cheap.

She got offended when I said I wanted to have a family outing with just my husband and my son without her coming along. She gets mad at my sisters and my husbands/boyfriends at the drop of a hat. It almost feels like she is angry that our relationships are working out better than hers did. I think she would be secretly very pleased if we were to get divorced or break-up with our men.

She is constantly hinting that she would like us to move in with her to “help us” save some money. That will never happen.

The most recent example is what happened on Halloween yesterday. My husband had to work. So I dressed SAK up in his costume and went over to my MIL’s house to show him off on my way to my mom’s. My MIL gave him a little Thomas the Train flashlight because I told her no candy.

We get to my mom’s and he is of course a little pre-occupied with his new toy. He didn’t want to put it down to go Trick or Treating. She FLIPS OUT on him. Using the F-word and slamming the door. Threatening not to give him the toys she got him, etc. I yell at her to calm down and she finally walks around the neighborhood with us, but sulks the whole time. When we get back to her house she throws the matchbox cars on the floor in front of him and says “here’s your present, not that you want it” then stomps off to the other room and breaks down and cries.

After I finally go down and try to talk to her she finally pulls herself together and begins acting normally again. Thankfully, my son didn’t seem to take her bad mood personally or be affected by it too much. She later said she was in a bad mood before we ever came over because she visited my grand-parents graves that morning.

This has been the story of my life. I feel like I dread having “big moments” because every time she finds a way to ruin it for me. I love my mother but I also hate her. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, but I also will not allow her to abuse my son emotionally like that. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t really suggest she go see a psychiatrist because that alone would send her into a tailspin. There have been times when part of me just wishes she would die already, and of course I feel utterly guilty for even thinking such things. I keep trying because I think that maybe if I just try a little bit harder each time that maybe I can finally make her happy. But it only gets better for awhile and then it's back to this utter nonsense. The only solution I can fathom is to move my family as far away from her as possible. I can't do that though until I know what's going on with my job. If I can put some physical distance between us again, I think it will be easier to have some emotional distance.

I'll be okay, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for listening!

Quick update

2010-10-29T06:25:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy lately, but I did want to take the time to update y'all on a couple of things.

Went to the doctor yesterday.
He is putting me on the South Beach diet and I need to go get blood work done next week to check my blood sugar for insulin resistance. He also wants me to start excercising 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening.

But my blood pressure is great- 105/80
And my Asthma is under control.
So those are both positives.

One thing he said bugged me, and I know he didn't mean it to come across the way it did so I'm trying to let it go. He said "loosing weight isn't as hard as people try to make it out to be." Obviously he has never had to battle a weight problem.

Work is busy busy busy right now. So I can't post as much as I would like, but I am still reading your blogs and still rooting for you all!

wishing i hadn't.......

2010-10-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was totally stress eating yesterday.

And I didn't care at all.

I was home alone with my son while my husband went to work and SAK was being a typical 2 year old. Clingy and wanting to jump all over and I couldn't get him to settle for most of the afternoon. I should have taken him outside. But I didn't. I was tired, I just wanted to sit and be still and read a book while he played quietly with his toys.

Yeah that didn't happen.

And then I got mad because he started to hit me (in an attempt to get my attention) and I asked him to stop and he laughed at my firm voice and kicked me in the face so I tried to "supernanny" him and he laughed and thought that time out was a game when I tried to put him in the naughty corner and I was getting more and more frustrated and........

I spanked him.

Two smacks on the diaper. It wasn't hard and I know I didn't hurt him and this was far from abuse, but it's not how I want to parent my child. It was a reflexive action held over from my own upbringing. He cried, I felt awful immediately afterwards and hugged him and said I was sorry.....and he stopped crying right away and forgot all about it in a few minutes....

I ate two cookies and a hunk of banana bread. And a glass of vanilla milk. And I cried.

I still have a bad case of the guilties and feel like the world's worst mother today. (though I do know that there are obviously worse mothers out there, it doesn't really make me feel better)

I miss my Mr. Mom

2010-10-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

Okay,

It's been a week since my husband finally got a job. I am grateful for the income, we certainly need it.

BUT

I miss having my husband at home all day while I'm at work. It was really kind of nice having a house -husband.

He was able to take care of our son so we didn't have to rely on a non-parent to raise him.
He was able to run errends like going to the post office or picking up milk.
He would get dinner started for me occasionally so I didn't have to.
I was able to call him periodically throughout the day to talk.
He would do the laundry and the dishes while I was at work.
If I asked him to he would straighten up the apartment a bit.

But now he's not there, and my MIL is watching my son. She is really doing us a huge favor and I'm trying to have a grateful heart about it.... but deep down I really resent it and it's driving me crazy. I hate that she is spending so much more time with him than i am. I'm totally jealous and it really sucks. Plus I can't just pick him up and go, noooo I have to do a mini-visit. And yesterday she let him take a nap at 5:00. And my ding bat husband listened to her when she told him to "let him sleep a little" when he went to pick him up and he napped until 6:10. So when they finally got home at 6:30, Sak was cranky and wanted nothing to do with the dinner I cooked, threw a tantrum when it was time to take a bath, and tossed and turned in bed for 45 minutes before finally falling asleep around 10pm. I was annoyed, but I held my tongue.

I have a mountain of laundry waiting for me when I get home tonight. I want to get it done because I'm taking SAK to visit my sister who is expecting my first neice in January tomorrow. We're going to go to a nice little farm and drink apple cider and have a pony ride. And Hubby doesn't want to come with us because it's a 2 hour drive each way and he doesn't want to spend his day off in the car. I understand that, but I really would like to be able to spend some quality family time together. So I'm irritated about that too.

And the next bit here is a bit TMI so here's your fair warning....

We've hit a bit of a dry spell in the "romance" department. We just haven't been able to get in synch lately where we both want to at the same time for awhile. Whenever that happens I start feeling insecure and vulnerable, even if I know it doesn't really mean anything. I guess "romance" for me is validation that things are good between us and that he loves and cherishes me and when we haven't been "romantic" for awhile it's harder to keep the self-hating negative thoughts at bay.

I'll get over it, I just need time I think to adjust to the new routine.

Weigh in for October

2010-10-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I caved to my internal pressure this morning and weighed myself.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But it wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be by now.

I’m back down to 218.4.

I know I’m not going to reach my final goal this year, but I would really REALLY like to be under 200 before New Year’s day.

That means I have to lose 18.5 pounds in 73 days. That’s less than 2 pounds per week. I know that I can do this if I buckle down and put my mind to it. I was doing great at the beginning of the year then slumped over the summer and having really been able to get my engine started as fall closed in on me.

I’m done pussy footing around.

Failure is no longer even an option.

But I don't wanna eat the cheesecake!

2010-10-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have a dilemma.

I have trouble disappointing people. I’m a people pleaser by nature (or is it nurture?). This leads to many problems and issues in my day to day and can sometimes drive my husband absolutely nuts.

But the one issue I’m going to discuss here is how it affects what I eat.

In the civilized world food and drink has taken on a cultural significance above and beyond that of fuel for the body. It is the primary vehicle for family to re-connect after a long day apart. It is the centerpiece of a celebration feast. It is the way we show love and acceptance of one another. It is the grease of the social machine.

Since I have been dieting in earnest this year I have noticed a disturbing trend. Some people get outright offended when you don’t eat the way they think you should eat. They get mad. They huff and puff and get all red in the face and start gossiping about you behind your back. What the heck is that about anyway!

So me being a natural people pleaser I try to compromise. I do the whole “one small piece won’t kill me” thing. But since I wasn’t planning all day to eat that “one small piece” it is killing me, well at least it’s killing my diet. So anyway, I’m going to list top 5 culprits of the guilt machine who are trying to make me feel bad about losing weight and sabotaging my efforts.

5.) Team Workplace- Man the people I work with love to eat. There are weeks I think we spend more time eating than working. Bagels on Friday, French toast on Monday, Pizza and Chinese lunches, pastries and cakes and cookies…I can usually resist them, but I hate being the “difficult” one on the team when the company is buying lunch so I usually just say the pizza is fine and suffer in silence.

4.) My skinny bitch sister – This girl has always eaten whatever she wanted and never been larger than a size 8 in her life. I go to her house to visit and all she has is whole milk and real sugar and frosted sugar cookies. And she’s a picky eater. So forget making anything light or healthy when she comes to visit. She won’t eat vegetables. I tried making smashed cauliflower for her once and she literally gagged. She’s basically a carb junky but it doesn’t affect her body the way it affects mine. I curse her for taking all of the “good genes” from the pool.

3.) My crazy juiced up brother in law – He’s an amateur body builder and in his own way tries to be supportive and encouraging when he sees I’m losing weight. But he eats really weird food like tuna and sweet potatoes for lunch and egg whites and oatmeal for dinner and tries to make me second guess my own eating plan and I just end up getting confused. Plus he and my sister in law like to “cheat” on the weekends and then send all the leftover bad foods home with us so they won’t be in their house during the week. So now the “cheat” foods are in my house staring me down during the week. Thanks guys.

2.) My mom. Lord love her she tries. I know how hard she tries. And I know she doesn’t understand what it is I’m doing here. She knows we’re hard up for cash so she tries to invite us over to eat a lot. The thing is that she cooks with a lot of sauces and starches and fat….you know… like mom. And here’s the big secret- I’m a better cook than she is, and she hates that. So I have to tell her all the time how good everything is and take a second helping and do the whole “I can never get my meatloaf to come out like this…”type of gushing. I use my son as an excuse to leave before desert a lot. Yet she still insists on sending some home with us. Oh and she’s the one person in this world who has no problem telling me how fat and disgusting I am and she can never EVER tell that I’ve lost a few pounds. If I do say I’ve lost a few since I last saw her, she has to say she lost more. You know, the more I think about this, the more I feel like she is in competition with me or something. Yeah, she’s a psycho, but she’s also my mom and I love her just the same.

1.) My mother in law- This lady wins the grand prize. She (like my mom) is a little psycho about things. Minor inconveniences can set her off on a toddler sized temper tantrum. She loves to cook and is completely offended by any suggestion that anything she makes should not be eaten. In fact when she stays with my sister in law and her husband (see number 3) she calls me non-stop to complain about ~~how much she hates him and~~ the disgusting things they eat and how she can stay there because they won’t eat her food, etc. Her entire self-identity is wrapped up in how good of a homemaker she is. She loves to bake and has a severe sweet-tooth. She is constantly trying to push cakes and candy onto my two year old son (another big bone of contention, don't get me started!) and takes rejection of her cheesecake as a personal insult. She has been back in town for exactly 3 days. In that time she has sent over 1 tub of sugar cookies, one package of oatmeal cookies, fried porkchops, mashed potatoes, kielbasa, and pizza.

So how do you do it? How do you say “No thanks, that’s not really on my diet” without sounding like a calorie Nazi? And if someone has gotten offended when you turned down their prized pecan pie, what do you say? I don’t want to be fat just to be nice.

It’s only going to get worse over the next few months so any suggestions are welcome!

Because I like to sleep...

2010-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

Ah parenthood…

So my son has finally broken my spirit. It was a devious plan. He began waking up a little early, just before I would get up for work around 6:30. The he started waking at 5am. So I would bring him into bed with us to snuggle for a bit and sometimes he would fall back to sleep. Then out of the blue he woke up at 3 am and I said to myself, no way, he’s going to have to cry it out. I got up checked on him laid him back down in the crib and left him there. He cried until 5am at which point I cracked and got him up and put him in bed with us. Then he started doing that earlier and earlier. 2 am… 1 am…. 11 pm ….etc.

NOW he won’t sleep in his crib AT ALL anymore.

I know I know I made a mistake I never should have brought him into bed with us that first night but I have to work and I needed my sleep too. And besides, how was I to know that my kid was a genius and had been plotting the invasion of mommy and daddy’s bed for months in advance?

Not our real feet....

So needless to say I’m trying to figure out how to undo the damage I’ve inadvertently done. We were planning to make the move into a big boy’s bed next month anyway, so I’ve decided to push that up by a few weeks and we’re going to go buy it on Friday. Once his bed is all set-up in his room we’re going to start sleep training him to stay in it. I think it’s more logical to do it this way so that I’m not getting him to sleep in his crib again and then taking it away from him…

I’m just not sure how to do it. I’m not a mean mommy. I hate to hear him upset. It makes me feel physically ill. And from what I understand I can expect a lot of tears and why mommies and sleepless nights while we undertake this. SO I want to hear from all the mommies out there in blogland… what’s the best way to do this? I never had to sleep train him as an infant, he always just went to sleep on his own. Nights here or there of crying of course but never on this scale.

Do I-

a. Start off sleeping in his big boy bed with him and gradually wean him off of having me there.

b. Stay with him in bed until he falls asleep and then sneak out hoping he doesn’t wake up.

c. Tuck him in, snuggle, read a story and leave while he’s still awake. And just bring him back to bed each time he gets up amid tears and protests. (super nanny style)

d. Put him to bed, lock the door so he can’t get out and put him back in his bed at increasingly longer intervals, after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes, etc. until he collapses from exhaustion. (Ferber method)

I think I would like to try option B, but I think that C has the best chance of providing consistent results faster.

I just want to be able to have that hour or two in the evening with my husband and get a good night sleep without causing my son psychological damage. Is that too much to ask?

My Horoscope today...

2010-10-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

Leo-
If anyone is innately self-confident, it's you. Still, you've had the urge to make some physical changes on and off lately, and it's back again in full force. Well, what's the holdup? You know where you are and where you want to be. That's the first step and the last. All you have to do now is fill in the middle and you're on your way. It may be easier said than done, but think of how proud you'll feel.

Um, okay, I never really put much stock in these things but whoever is doing the horoscopes for Verizon's Yahoo home page has either been stalking me the last few days or is damn good at reading the stars!

The Cost of Obesity

2010-09-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

According to a recent study by George Washington University the annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for an obese woman and $2,646 for an obese man.

My jaw dropped when I read that.

I am shocked.

And more than just a little dismayed.

I am not happy being obese for many reasons. I don’t like that I can’t move as well as I used to. I don’t like that people think its okay to snicker behind my back. I don’t like that my thighs rub together and get chaffed in the summer if I wear shorts. I don’t like that I have to shop in the Plus size department where there might be only one or two things that are actually cute and they are buried in a mountain of shapeless shifts with animal prints and bedazzling jewels encrusted upon them.

Now I find out that I’m paying just under 5 THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR for the privilege of being fat.

Quite frankly- I can’t afford that anymore.

There are much better things I can think to spend $5,000 a year on. I could go on an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean every year. I could buy new furniture for my apartment. I could put it away to buy a house with a yard so my son could have a puppy. I could send my child to a fancy special education preschool for all his therapies. I could turn the pay channels back on my cable. I could pay off my debt.

I don’t care how good that cheesecake in the kitchen looks. It’s not worth 5 grand!

I had a similar wakeup call when I finally decided to quit smoking. At the time I figured I spent a little over a thousand dollars a year on cigarettes. That figure finally motivated me to quit once and for all. It was more motivating to me than all the medical reasons I was familiar with.

Will reading this do the same for my motivation to lose weight? Hell Yeah!

If my boss came to me and said she would give me a $5,000 a year raise if I got my BMI under 25 you can bet the farm that I would do whatever it takes to do it.

Budget this!

2010-09-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

So it looks like the challenge that the good Lord is sending my way is to learn how to Budget myself better. Of course this mean money, since Hubby's unemplyment checks just ram out and there is still no job in sight. (He even applied for an hourly position at Target and no call back yet.) So I've devised a monthly accounting for all of our set bills, rent, electric, gas, carpayments etc. We can make it on my salary alone, but it will be tight. I'll have to live within my budgeted allotments because we have very little wiggle room.

I'm also trying to budget my time more. SAK is missing his mommy a bit these days. I think he got used to me being home between the labor day holiday and taking my vacation and then the time I took off for my Grandparents funerals. I think this is the first full week I"ve worked in a month or so. So I want to give SAK as much mommy time as I can this weekend. After all he's only little like this for such a short time.

And finally I'm budgeting my food more. Or at least I'm going to try really hard to budget my food better. I have a tendency to not eat much in the first part of the day but then I get HUNGRY right around 4pm and eat eat eat until I'm stuffed. Then the guilties settle in and I get down on myself and swear to do better tomorrow and start off really strinct until.... well you get the picture. So I'm giving myself a food "budget" and will try to spread it out over the day so I'm not desperate to stuff my face as fast as I can late in the day.

This is going to be a challenge for me. I am not a creature of restraint. I prefer to just wing things. I don't even balance my checkbook. I just check my balance online periodically to make sure it's not too low and that there aren't any unusual charges. So actually planning a weeks meals in advance and going to the store with a list is going to be novel for me. I'm trying to remain optomistic about it, hoping that in the end this new found dicipline makes me a better person. We'll see.....

No more excuses

2010-09-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

So I did it! Yesterday evening I finally got around to taking my first set of progress pics. I’m thinking of these as my before picture. (Even though it’s after losing about 30 pounds. )

I was sitting in from of the computer after I put SAK to bed and reading all of your wonderful, motivational posts and jumped from my seat and made my husband take my picture.

Me: I want you to take my picutre for my blog, I need fat pictures to compare as I'm loosing weight...

Him: Right now? (he was trying to watch the Yankees game)

Me: Yes because if I don’t do it right now I’ll chicken out….besides there’s a rain delay what else have you got to do?

Him: I'm not sure I want your face on the internet...

Me: Too late, already out there. So are you and SAK by the way....Don't worry though I'm not using names

Him: How far back should I go?

Me. Just get my whole body in the shot.

Him: Are you sure? I don't think it will fit...(smart ass)

he starts backing up farther and farther....

Me: Turn the camera sideways...

He turns the camera and snaps the picture, shows it to me

Him: Is this okay?

Me (completely disgusted by it): yeah that's fine. One more sideways....

It took me so long to finally get up the courage to do it. Mostly I think it’s because my own mental projection of “me” doesn’t look anything like that. I look at myself in the mirror every day. But I don’t see myself. Until I see a picture. A photograph. Why is it different? I don’t know. It’s weird. I know I’m not alone in this, I’ve heard others across the blogosphere mentioning the same phenomenon.

Because of the shock I get when I see myself in pictures, I have been avoiding being photographed, which is creating one of the saddest parts of living with obesity for me. I am notably absent from many family photos because I avoid cameras as much as possible.

No more. Now that I’ve broken the ice and taken the picture (and posted it here for all of God’s people to see…) I am going to use this to motivate me for change. I want my picture to look like the mental picture I have of myself.

And it will. I can do this. No more excuses.

My first progress picture...

2010-09-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have to keep this short and sweet. If I don't I'll chicken out.

This is me today... approximate weight 220. Hopefully by next month I'll look a whole lot better!

Ditching an unproductive habit

2010-09-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

I think I‘ve decided not to weigh myself for a month.

I need time to focus on “technique” without worrying too much about results. So I’m locking the scale up in the closet and just going full throttle ahead.

People who know me know that this is a HUGE step for me. I weigh myself anywhere from 2 – 4 times a day. I know in my head that is ridiculous, but the crazy OCD part of my brain doesn’t care.

But I sometimes think the weighing can be a real sabotage to what it is I’m trying to do. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a good weigh in or a bad weigh in.

See, I hear voices in my head. The voices of inner demons try to sabotage me at every turn. If I step on the scale and I have lost a significant amount of weight, they start whispering…see you can have this little treat once in awhile. You’re losing so much! One little cheat can’t derail you now ….And if I have a gain or no loss… Well then they start in with… It’s not working, you’re just a fat person, what’s the difference, you’re depriving yourself and it’s not even doing you any good. You should just eat what you want and be happy…

See how completely unhelpful this habit has become?

So starting today- no more scale for one whole month. (at least, if it goes well, maybe longer...) I will measure my success by focusing on how I feel every day. I will mark my progress based on my improved energy and endurance for exercise. I will not succumb to gimmicks to get the scale to start registering a loss again.

And I'm going to take a picture of my body. I love seeing the before and after photos of everyone who does it. Up until now I've always been too ~~chickenshit~~ shy to actually do it. But I kind of want to have a visual record and documentation to get it through to my brain that this is all worth it, and pictures really do show more than a number on a scale, right? That will be tomorrow.

From the mouths of babes...

2010-09-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

I am completely bloated after having fallen off the wagon entirely for the last two weeks. What can I say. I am a stress eater and I have been stressed out beyond belief the last few months.

I’m torn between wanting to lose more weight…because I was really starting to get proud of myself for doing it…

…And continuing to eat whatever I want when I want to eat it….because it was really tasty and I love to eat.

Last night SAK caught me in my bra and panties while getting ready for bed. No big deal, he’s only 2 and doesn’t really care much. Except last night he says “look! Mommy’s belly.” So I said “That’s right, this is mommy’s belly.”

And then he said-

“MOMMY’S BELLY IS BIG”

I wanted to dive under the blankets and hide. I know he’s just learning the concept of big and little and it’s silly to get upset over what a 2 year old says. But he is starting to notice things and make comparisons and I don’t ever want him to be embarrassed or ashamed of me.

So ~~I’m thinking~~ I’m going back to low carb. Yes it is a restrictive lifestyle. Yes I miss brownies and cookies something fierce at times. But- It’s the only diet plan that is simple enough (for me) to be able to eyeball a meal and know if it is something I can eat. Counting calories is too hard for me. You have to measure and weigh everything! And I find it is near impossible to find accurate calorie counts for restaurant foods. At least when low carbing I know I can have just about anything that is meat and vegetables on the menu and I won’t kill my diet. Plus I can't rationalize away a bad food choice as easily. (go ahead, you can eat a small brownie, just don't have anything else tonight...) I have too many demon voices trying to get me to do the wrong thing to leave it ambiguous like that.

As anyone who has fallen off the low carb lifestyle can tell you, It is HARD to get back to it again. I can actually feel myself resisting it already, my mind making excuses, but it has to be done. SO- Starting today I'm pulling the trigger and doing a 2 week induction to flush the bad mojo from my system. Fair warning to all, I'll probably be crabby for the next few days.

Salty.

2010-09-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

So….. Long time no talkie huh?

Have you ever not talked to someone you wanted to talk to for so long that you start to feel slightly awkward and aren’t really sure what to say when you finally do start talking again?

Yeah that’s me.

I’m kind of in the middle of a personal struggle. I’m not really sure what the best way to handle this is. Okay- first let me catch you all up on the details of what’s been going on since my last post. My Grandmother passed away on September 5th. 5 weeks to the day of my Grandfather passing. It was very sad, but expected and in this case I truly do believe that it was the best thing for her (and my mother) despite the fact that we will miss her deeply.

The problem is my father. I ran into him while doing some grocery shopping for my mom after Pop’s death and then he called me when he read about my Grandmother passing in the paper. He wants to get together with me. To talk.

I don’t want to.

My father and I have been estranged for a very long time. Growing up my sisters and I were always thought of as his “other” children. He felt he was paying child support and that was all we needed him to give us as kids. My step brother and half sister would be doted upon and we got what was left over. I remember him offering to give me my step brother’s old computer because he bought him a new one. I remember my step brother getting his car when we turned 17. I remember him telling me that he would not pay for my college education because he had to pay for my step-brother. I remember him refusing to cosign for a car loan when I needed to get one for a really good job offer I received (I had the money, I just needed him to sign). I remember being stranded on Virginia and calling him to beg for help to get me home to New Jersey and him refusing to help me. I remember him telling us that he would not see us at Christmas because his wife was too tired. I remember that he never asked us to spend a weekend with him. I remember how he refused to take my youngest sister with us for visitation because he didn’t want to deal with a baby. I remember how she would cry and hold onto my leg because she didn’t want me to leave her alone. He never even showed up to my sister’s college graduation. He didn’t call her on her wedding day. He doesn’t know she’s expecting her first child and he’s never met my son.

My grandfather who just passed was more of a dad to me than my biological father was. It was my Grandfather who told me how proud he was of me when I graduated high school and then college. It was my Grandfather who bragged about me to all of his friends. It was my Grandfather who told me I was pretty when I got dressed up for my first date. It was my Grandfather who cried on my wedding day. It was my grandfather who held my son in his big hands and loved us both with his whole heart.

Not my father.

My father has seen me on purpose exactly twice in 13 years. And he lives in the same town as my mom.

He wasn’t abusive, at least not physically. But he did hurt me and my sisters deeply. And when he calls I feel a lump of bile form in the pit of my stomach and I want to run and hide under something. It’s not like this is the first time he’s tried to reconcile. We’ve done this dance at least a half dozen times. The most recent attempt was when he showed up unexpectedly at my wedding. I tried being gracious and accepted the olive branch he extended. But then it all blew up again and he was gone. Again.

Do I wish things were different? Yeah sure. Of course I do. What daughter doesn’t want a father to love her? But my father does not love me. It isn’t love that prompts these moments of sorrow and desire for reconciliation on his part. It is guilt, and fear, and regret, and shame.

I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to go through it all again. I don’t want to involve my son and husband in this mind game of his. I have already forgiven him and let go of any hate I used to feel for him. I just want it to be over. The man who was my dad all my life passed away 6 weeks ago. I don’t want or need a replacement.

I know that there will be readers who think I’m being terribly cruel, that I should give him a chance. Some might believe that I will regret it someday… These were all the reasons that I forced myself to give him a chance the last time this happened. I’m done now. I don’t have it in me. And maybe I will regret it someday. I’ve prayed on it and God has told me that he is okay with my decision.

Of all the signs I could have been given today as I struggled with this I came across a commentary that someone had written about the story of Lot’s wife. Now, I’m no bible thumper. I’ve read the good book but I don’t read it daily or weekly, or even monthly. I’ve never participated in a bible study group…I’m Catholic. We don’t do that. We go to church on Easter and Christmas and the occasional Sunday and pray when we feel like it and skip meat on Fridays during lent. Our God is a lenient God who understands that sometimes praying during the last 5 minutes of the Giant’s game on Sunday might be all the worship He’ll get that week and He’s okay with that. This blog I read though was about how Lot and his wife were brought out of sin and depravity by God’s grace but she looked back and became a pillar of salt. Her sin was longing for what might have been. For not taking the blessing that God had given her, but instead dwelling on the past. What she had before was not good, but she longed for the dream that it might have been good. And because she could not simply look ahead to all the good things that God had promised her for the future, she became salt. Where something is salted nothing will grow. Weird sign, and not exactly the bible story I would have come up with on my own to comfort myself… but it’s what God gave me and strangely enough, it’s allowed me to feel at peace with my decision to flee. I have decided not to look back, I want to look to the future now and allow the good things promised to me to grow.

"Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!" Genesis 19:12

My morning ritual

2010-08-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

OK I'm a nut. I realized this morning that my husband is right, I am a total weirdo. (Thank God he loves me anyway!)

This is what I do every single morning.

1. Alarm goes off.
2. Drag self into bathroom. Empty bladder.
3. Remain on toilet extra long just in case I can empty more before weighing myself.
4. Strip completely naked.
5. Stand on scale.
6. Scowl because it reads the same as it did yesterady.
7. Reposition scale.
8. Stand on scale again.
9. Hmmmm Now it's .5 pound more than before.....
10. Reposition scale again.
11. Aha! Found the sweet spot (there is one place in my bathroom where I weigh about 3/4 pound less. I like to think of that area as the only spot that shows my real weight.)
12. Weigh myself 3 times consecutively to assure myself that it is correct.
13. I can now start my day. - Shower, dress, go to work, eat breakfast, etc.

This happens every morning and every night before I go to bed.

I'm a total wack-job.

The only constant is change.

2010-08-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

Okay so I received so unsettling news this week. The company I work for is being acquired by a larger company in our field. I knew something like this might have been coming, but it really sucks for me. I work in customer service and there’s a high likelihood that my job will become redundant. And even if they did offer me a position, I believe their CS department is in Florida. Not that I don’t like Florida, in fact I think it’s a lovely place. It’s just also about as far away as I can get from my whole family.

So basically I’m thinking this means I will be out of a job soon. -Probably by January as a matter of fact.

Can 2010 just freaking end already? This has been the worst year ever!!!!

Grrrrrrrrr.

I absolutely hate looking for a job. I hate everything about it. I hate searching through the paper, scanning over the ads to stuff envelopes for cash. I hate the awkward phone calls trying to set-up an interview. I hate the false cheerfulness that you have to put on your face during the job interview.

And my husband has been out of work and looking for almost 2 years so my income was the ONLY income we have. Not a good feeling when you have a kid at home, not a good feeling at all.

Finally a loss!!!

2010-08-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

I’ll admit I was doubtful at first, but the numbers do not lie. As of the morning I am down to 215. That’s a 5 pound loss from where I was at the beginning of the week and 2 pounds down from my previous low. So the starches so far have not seemed to hinder my weight loss any, but I’m still reserving judgment until the 2 week beginning period is over. So far I’ve only added starches back into my diet; I’m still waiting another week to reintroduce fruits.

I’m feeling very motivated right now to keep going. I was honestly on the verge of quitting 2 weeks ago, but I think I’ve managed to push through it. I guess that must happen to everyone at some point, and maybe that’s what really separates the success stories from the yo-yo dieters. When we pause in our losses, how do we handle that? Do we throw our hands up in the air and give up? Curse the Gods for creating cellulite and saddle bags? Loosen our belt and eat cheesecake while watching re-runs of the Golden Girls?

Or do we stop, asses and correct our behaviors?

In the past I’ve always just given up. I’m pessimistic by nature I think, so it always seemed to me to be an indication of failure once the weight loss came to a grinding halt about 4-5 months into a diet. My inner 3 year old would start to whine and complain that it was too hard and not worth it if it wasn’t working anyway. I wanted to do that this time to. I wanted to give up so badly. I wanted to just say to hell with it and bake some brownies and drown myself in chocolate.

And even if it is a little premature to say so- I proud as hell of myself for not giving in to that temptation.

The only difference I can credit is you guys. This blogging business has been really great for keeping things in perspective for me. I’m not sure what I expected to come of it, I think I figured it would be sort of an electronic journal. I never expected to find so many wonderful people sharing the same struggles and supporting each other as I have. I love reading the stories of your own journeys. Whether you have lost a lot or still have a long way to go, I value the perspective you have given me. I know I can do this because I know that you can do this.

We can do this!

Brave enough to be afraid.

2010-08-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I put Finding Nemo on for my son to watch. He’s seen the movie at least a dozen times before but for some reason this time it really frightened him. After fifteen minutes I had to turn it off because he was hiding his eyes and almost crying. I chalked it up to his development and gaining a better understanding of what was going on in the story.

Since then though he has not stopped asking me questions about it. “Sharks bite Nemo Daddy, Mommy? Nemo fall down. Nemo hurt? Nemo scared? Nemo’s okay, Nemo hides. Where did Nemo go? Nemo got took? Nemo’s Daddy go go go! Nemo! Where are you? Nemo NO!” Seriously, he goes on and on like this over and over from the time he wakes up in the morning until something distracts him. For weeks this has been going on.

It occurred to me this morning as I was picking him up from his crib and answering his “Nemo” questions for the 100th time that when something frightens us it can be difficult to let it go. I realized that the reason he keeps asking the same questions over and over about his movie is because he is trying to make sense of it all. Often it is those things that we do not understand that frightens us the most.

So many of us on this journey of losing weight and getting fit have admitted to being afraid. I have a fear of failure and a fear of success. I am afraid that if I don’t accomplish my goals I will get sick and crippled and maybe even die. I am afraid that if I succeed and lose all this weight that I will be the object of comments and attention that make me uncomfortable. I like to hide behind my fat sometimes, losing it will be a scary adjustment to make.

Just like my son, I have a hard time letting it go. I am afraid when I eat off plan that I have forever botched my efforts, often I jump on the scale before I go to bed. I wake up and am afraid I might not have the willpower today to do what I need to do, again I check the scale. I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.

“Why did I let myself get this way?”

“What can I do to make this easier on myself?”

“How much can I lose this week?”

“What will happen if I don’t lose it all?”

“What weight will really make me happy?”

“What can I eat today, what about tomorrow?”

“Will my husband still love me if I can’t do it? Will he still love me if I can?”

“What if the damage has already been done?”

I guess I’m just trying to make sense of it all and hoping that if I can find the answers, maybe I won’t be scared any longer and can finally confront my demons.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
- Eddie Rickenbacker

I Love My Mr. Mom.

2010-08-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned before that I have a two year old son, Sak, with some challenges. Most people who meet him can’t tell anymore, but when he was an infant it was much worse. He had neurological episodes that were very hard to deal with. When I went back to work and he went into daycare, they became even worse and more frequent. They always seemed to come on just as he was getting over a cold. Of course, in daycare he caught a lot of colds. We did this for about 2 months when luckily for us my husband was laid off from his job. Because he was able to collect unemployment and we didn’t have to pay for child care, we pretty much broke even money wise. That meant that my husband could take care of our son, take him to therapy and help him get to where he is today. Since Sak no longer got the colds, his episodes gradually decreased and now it’s been more than a year since we’ve had to deal with that nightmare.

Now my husband is running out of unemployment benefits in September. He has been looking for a job right along, but we’ve been picky hoping that we could get something for him that would pay enough so we could switch and I could stay home for awhile. If he doesn’t find something soon and has to take a lower paying job, we’ll have to go back to us both working full time, and putting our son back into daycare. And without one of us available to take him, we’ll have to take him out of occupational therapy, which is something he really needs right now.

This scares me. On the one hand I know that playing with other kids his age would be good for him. On the other I’m terrified that being around all the germs that little fingers carry will trigger the episodes to come back and undo all the progress we’ve made to date. One alternative of course is to have him get a job where he works evenings and weekends. I’m not thrilled with the prospect of doing that because it would really cut into our time to be together as a family, but if we did it for a short while, just until Sak was 3, it wouldn’t be too bad…I could live with that if I had to I guess.

This has been seething in the back of my head all summer, but for some reason today it is really causing me concern. I guess I’ll just have to pray on it and hope that God gives me the nudge in the right direction.

I know.... I've been neglecting you.....

2010-08-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

I’m just checking in because I haven’t been able to post alot lately. What little time I’ve had I’ve used to read my blogroll, though I haven’t always had time to leave you comments.

My grandfather passed away on the first of the month, so last week was crazy. Family coming into town, the wake and funeral, arranging childcare for my 2 year old, being strong and supportive for my mom and sisters, grieving on my own at night…. Needless to say with all of that my diet went to shit.

The fall out wasn’t major, a modest gain of about 2 pounds putting me back to 220. I’ll take it, it definitely could have been worse.

I’m taking this opportunity to try something a little different. I recently read a book called The Sugar Fix by Dr. Richard J Johnson. Dr. Johnson is nationally and internationally renowned for his work on mechanisms of renal injury and progression, including diabetes and hypertension. I originally picked this up at the drugstore because I thought it would mesh nicely with the low-carb thing I was trying to do. I’ve been sitting on this plateau for some time now and thought maybe this book would give me a little nudge or tweak that I needed to get moving again.

Well….I was wrong. It’s not a low carb diet book. It’s a low Fructose diet book. I was a little disappointed, but I decided to read it anyway (after all I did just spend $7.99 for the paperback at Walgreens!) figuring maybe I could learn something from it anyway.

Basic premise of the book is that while researching hypertension, Dr. Johnson found a connection between a rise in Uric Acid in the blood, high sugar diets and insulin resistance. He then realized that it was the fructose component of sugar that was causing the insulin resistance.

Table sugar and High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) are both essentially half glucose and half fructose. Glucose is what causes our blood sugar to spike. Normally insulin would be able to then shuttle the glucose to our cells to be used for energy. It’s is only when insulin stops working efficiently that sugar begins to build up in the blood causing our pancreas to churn out more and more insulin and causing “metabolic syndrome” including high blood lipids, high blood pressure, type 2 Diabetes and abdominal obesity.
What Dr. Johnson is proposing from his research is that it is the Fructose component of sugar that causes the cells to stop responding to Insulin. He believes that in the absence of fructose our bodies should be able to tolerant glucose without much problem. If the fructose wasn’t making our cells insulin resistant, we should be able to process the energy from starches (glucose) efficiently and thus avoiding the associated weight gain and diabetes associated with insulin resistance. He says that low-carb diets work because you eliminate Fructose.

Dr. Johnson points to cultures throughout the world that have had high starch staples in their diet for thousands of years- Rice, Potatoes, Taro, Yams, Grains etc. Obesity was not a problem and found only in the very wealthy few who could afford to eat sugar. Once HFCS was invented it suddenly made sugar affordable for the common man and began to infiltrate our diets. We became fatter and heart disease flourished. Enter the low-fat diet revolution. When Fat was removed from food it was replaced with sugar to make it palatable.

Long story short- We now are eating approximately 3 times as much sugar as we did in 1950.

His recommended fix is to eliminate fructose as much as possible for 2 weeks to get the excess fructose enzymes out of our cells. Starch is okay to eat as is lean meat and low-fat dairy. There’s a list of vegetable that are okay. No fruit during this time though and no sugar. One caveat though - you have to watch your calories if you are doing it for weight loss. Once you are beyond that first 2 week period you are encouraged to add in one or two servings of fruit a day. He has charts and lists in the book listing fructose content in certain foods. He wants you to stay at or below 25 grams of fructose a day which is about half of typical consumption.
You have to read labels because HFCS is in everything these days. He recommends avoiding packaged foods as much as possible. Over all it seems to be a very balanced, healthy diet. I’m already used to avoiding sugar and reading labels. So I began to wonder…. Could he be right? Could this diet work for me? Is it possible for me to really be able to eat bread and pasta (in moderation) without gaining weight? I don’t know. I am skeptical, yet intrigued. The science seems to make sense…. And I’ve already been eating off plan….. So I’ve decided to experiment and give it a try. Like I said, he does have calorie recommendations which are the one part I really don’t like, but I suppose they are necessary until you re-learn how to eat right.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

They say it's my birthday....

2010-07-30T10:02:00.001-07:00

Today is my Birthday. I woke up this morning 36 years old.

I must have had too much fun when I was younger because I seem to have misplaced a few years. I feel like it wasn’t really that long ago that I was 26. It must have been during those missing years that I gained all this weight too, because I honestly don’t remember getting fat. It’s like I just woke up one morning and did a double take when I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I’m still trying to piece together how it happened. I’m still trying to get to where I need to be. I had a gain this week, which was evident by the lack of posting on my part. I love to brag when I am successful but when I’m not I shut down. It wasn’t a huge gain, a little more than a pound, but frustrating none the less.

I question all the time if I can do this or not.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can……….

I want to.

I want to be thin and look good enough to turn heads again. I want to look like I’m 26… not just feel 26.

But I also want to eat Cinnabons without a second thought.

And I’m more than a little angry that there are no low-carb convenience foods to be found in the grocery store. I bought some sugar free barley muffins that looked promising, label had 11 grams total carbohydrate, 3 grams of Fiber for a net carb count of 8. Not great, but not horrible if I really wanted something baked with my coffee in the morning. I wanted to have them at my desk at work and they came in extra handy this week because someone (I won’t name names…) kept bringing in donuts and bagels. Then this morning I re-read the label, a serving size is half a muffin. All of a sudden I had to double my counts. So it’s no surprise I had a gain….

Who really eats only half a muffin? There should be a law against that…

Shopping disappointments

2010-07-23T17:03:00.000-07:00

This morning's weight was 218.
My mood today- kind of steady as she goes....

First I want to thank all of you for the great, supportive comments regarding my birthday cake dilema. I really appreciate it! I'm waffeling right now between attempting to make a sugar free cheesecake, attempting to find a sugar free cheesecake to purchase, and just saying screw it and letting my husband buy me a real cake. I have a feeling that the third option will be dependent upon the level of difficulty in the first two.
I did have quite a disappointment when I was trying to buy a new dress yesterday. I really really wanted something new (and a size smaller!) for my birthday. But while the smaller sizes fit good on my bottom half, my top was still a little too....buxom to pull it off in public. It would appear that I am not losing weight evenly across my body so nothing is really fitting right any more. I think I've lost it mostly in my legs. My stomach is getting smaller, but it's kinda stretched out still from being preggo and then really fat afterwords. I think it will take some time to snap back to what it was...if it ever really gets to what it was again.

So yeah, I was hoping I would have something new to make me feel pretty, but it doesn't look like it's going to pan out for me. I guess that's okay. I really didn't want to spend too much money on clothes that I'm hoping won't fint in a few months anyway.

Otherwise, not a lot is going on 'round these parts. My son's new favorite word is "no" but it's kind of cute the way he says it. I'm sure it will get old real fast though.

Random observation I made today... Does Disney have something against Moms? I just happened to notice that if a Disney character has a mom in the movie mentioned at all... She gets killed off pretty quickly. What's up with that?

So anyway, I'm hoping that you all have a nice weekend and stay cool (especially if you are anywhere in the NE United States, it's gonna hit 100 tomorrow! Yikes!).

Cry Baby.

2010-07-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

My weight this morning was 217.6

I don’t know exactly what I weighed when I got pregnant with my son, but I would say that’s within a pound or so.

Not that I don’t still have more to lose until I get to a healthy weight, but at least I can say I’ve lost my baby weight.

I’m in a pretty good mood these days. I think I’m more resigned to this being my new lifestyle. That sounds bad doesn’t it? Being resigned to live this way? As if this is a distasteful unappealing lifestyle that I have to adopt against my will.

The truth is that eating lower amounts of carbs really does make me feel better. And the recipes are all so dang tasty! I mean last night I had a think steak with a side salad for dinner and blueberries in cream for dessert. How many peeps following the traditional low fat “healthy” diet can enjoy that kind of meal. Truth be told I don’t even like baked potatoes, so I really don’t miss them.

What do I miss? Sweets.

To my great surprise I must have managed to develop quite a sweet tooth over the years. I say I’m surprised because I never really considered that I was a dessert kind of girl. Growing up I was the kid who still had Easter candy in the freezer at Halloween. We rarely had desert in our house and when we did it was usually some fresh strawberries or watermelon or some vanilla ice cream. Cakes and cookies were for birthdays or holidays. I never really missed not having them either.

So when did I develop an obsessive love for fudgy brownies? I don’t know, but I confess I love me some ooey gooey hot from the oven chocolatey goodness. And I know there are low-carb versions I could make, but in this one area I just can’t do it. It’s not that the low carb versions aren’t good…. but they aren’t make my knees buckle and melt into an orgasmic puddle on the floor good. I find I’m always a little disappointed in the low-carb baked goods. It makes me feel slightly depressed and I end up tearing up the kitchen trying to find that one thing that will satisfy the craving for sweet baked goods. I tell myself that sugar is poison and that I shouldn’t eat any of it, but I’m like a dog who found a bowl of antifreeze any time fresh baked goods are around.

So I’m trying to keep the desserts out of the house. Luckily my husband is a big fan of pre-wrapped Little Debbie type snacks, which I detest and always have. The thing is, my birthday is coming up next week and I kind of want a birthday cake. But if I have a real birthday cake I know it will trigger cravings for more sweets. And this is making me angry.

Yes it took me all this rambling along to get to the point. I want a Birthday cake on my birthday and I’m afraid that a sugar free one just won’t be any good and I’m depressed and sad that I have to live a life without birthday cake.

I feel like a little kid who dropped his ice cream cone in the dirt. I’m such a baby.

Which came first the fat or the sloth…?

2010-07-15T07:24:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article about a study that was recently done that showed that gaining weight led to inactivity in obese kids and not the other way around. In other words the kids got fat, being fat made it more difficult to move, so they stopped moving as much. The advice they gave as a result of this study was to focus on children’s diets more than activity levels. (Of course this doesn’t mean that it’s now permissible to park in front of a TV and play video games all day.) Healthy kids are naturally very active.

I can attest to this. I have a two year old boy who has been in Physical and Occupational therapies since he was 4 months old. Movement is very difficult for him. It’s hard work. It requires more effort and strength for him to walk, run, climb stairs etc than an average child. Yet he wears me out some days because all wants to do is run and dance and wrestle. Every night he takes my hand and says “Mommy, this way” and runs with me down the hallway, laughing the whole way. We get the bedroom and he says “Now this way” and runs with me back to the living room. This repeats until mommy falls down and says “No more! Mommy’s tired!” at which point he throws himself across my chest demanding me to “wake up mommy! Wake up!”

My husband turns on the music and my son starts to sway to the music. He has an uncanny natural sense of rhythm that I cannot account for in our gene pool. He dances with his whole body, swinging his arms and stomping his feet. He closes his eyes and takes the music into himself. There is joy in his movement and pride on his face as he learns to use his body.

He is not graceful, in fact he falls a lot. Just last night he ran into the corner of the computer desk. He cried and snuggled into my arms. But after a few moments of soothing his wounded noggin and hurt pride, he was right back on his feet doing the “dino march”. He doesn’t let a set-back make him stop trying.

When did I stop finding joy in movement? When did I become so self conscious of how well I moved in comparison to others that I stopped being proud of my own improvements? As my son watches my every action, imitating me to the best of his ability, I am struck by the fact that I should be imitating him.

4 out of 30

2010-07-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

Today’s weight 221.8

The water was not so good yesterday, but I was able to get my carbs down to about 35, but I would still like to do less. It was the late night snack that did me in -Greek yogurt and blueberries with a little Splenda. It was Yummy though!

I’m not so sure what the bump up on the scale is. I hate that daily fluctuation, it always pisses me off.

Dinner was fantastic. The batteries on my camera died but here's a picture I found on line and this is pretty much what it looks like.

Here’s how I made it.

I put a two pound pork roast into a crock pot. Drained and rinsed a big can of sauerkraut and dumped that over the port. I sprinkled that with an envelope of onion soup mix. Then I added a chopped Valencia onion and some leftover apple slices. Sprinkled all with 1/3 cup granulated Splenda and poured about 2 mugs of water over the whole thing. Covered and cooked on low for 12 hours.

I don’t know what the exact carb count is, but I’m estimating it to be about 5 net carbs per serving.

It was super easy and cooked all day while I was at work and running to the hospital. My two year old son loved it and had two helpings which is a great compliment since he is known to not really eat anything except pizza and hamburgers. He even learned a new word – Sauerkraut! My husband had his with some mashed potatoes and said it was really good. I think he was a little surprised to like it.

I have got to tell you all that I am a huge fan of the slow cooker. To me it is by far the easiest way to get a home cooked meal with lots of flavor on the table without having to put dinner off until 8. We’re having it for dinner tonight as well.

Today I’m sleepy. It’s a cloudy, drizzling kind of day outside so I’m having a hard time waking up. Plus my son decided to wake me up an hour and a half before my alarm was set to go off. Normally I love being mommy but at 5 am it’s rough.

I have to remember that once I become a gazillionaire to hire a nanny, at least for the mornings.

Day 2 & 3 out of 30

2010-07-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Weight yesterday AM 221.1
Weight this morning 220.8

Carbs yesterday- 40 Not bad considering I spent the day att he hospital.
Water intake was better too, I think I had about 4 glasses of plain water along with a diet coke and my morning coffee.

Today- so far so good. I have dinner going in the crockpot. Pork and Sauerkraut. It promises to be very tasty and very low carb so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the recipe (and my tweaks to lower the sugar content) is a keeper. If it is I'll post pictures and the recipe for you all.

Mood- Better. All things considered I was feeling considerably less frazeled yesterday and able to relax with very little anxiety last night while watching True Blood. This morning I woke up earlier than usual and didn't really feel too tired as a consequence. I don't know if I can chalk the sudden lift in mood up to lowering my carbs just yet though since I had my lady time of the month start this morning too. I've always been a little extra sensitive during the days leading up to my TOM so I'm not surprised I was an emotional mess these last few days.

On a separate note, I'm one of those unfortunate people who cannot tan. I turn red in the sun with about 5 minutes and then I peel and then I'm stark white again. I'm so pale I'm self conscious when I wear shorts because I feel like my legs literally glow. And I don't care who you are, no one finds pale white fat thighs with cellulite attractive.

So I got to thinking, what can I do to make this better. I'm working on weightloss.... so that will help for the future, but when it's 105 out I can't wait to wear shorts or a bathing suit. So I decided to try a self tanner. Tan legs always look thinner and more toned than pale legs right? besides how hard can it be...

I got one of those gradual tanners that you apply after a shower like lotion. The first application was okay. I did it before going to bed. When I woke up it was not too dark, but it was supposed to be gradual right? Okay so after my morning shower I put on a second application. About 30 minutes later I noticed that my knees an heels had turned orange. Next time I'll avoid my knees and feet because that just looked weird, there is nothing natural looking about orange heels.

The next thing I noticed was when the smell hit me. Turns out that Sunless Tanners stink like a cross between urine and dirt. It has to do with the chemical reaction that changes your skin's color. Trying to cover it with something else just made me smell like a homeless person wearing perfume. If you're going to try this, make sure it's on a day when you don't have to be anywhere that people will smell you.

Luckily it seems that the stink was washed away with my shower last night. I scrubbed my knees and feet so they aren't as orange now. The end result has left me with nicely tanned legs. I won't go any darker than this now, I'll just re-apply as it starts to fade in a day or two. Overall, I'm pretty happy with the result and I'm not tempting skin cancer.

Anyway- Happy Monday to all! Hope you have a great week!

30 day challenge day one

2010-07-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

weight this morning 221.7

Total Carbs consumed 29

Water - well...I had one glass of plain water, one glass of sparkeling water, a cup of coffee and an ultra light beer. Though not in that order. I have to do better in this area. Maybe I'll chug another glass right now.

Mood- I'm annoyed, angry, irritated, guilty and worried.

I've mentioned before that my grandparents were both coming into their last days here on earth before going home to be with Jesus. I might get into more details later about what has been happening lately, but for now we'll just say that they are not doing well.

I have to stop worrying about being the perfect daughter though. I can't do it anymore. I have to shift my loyalties from my birth family to my own family. I come from a very co-dependent fucked up family and they say they understand and wan tme to live my life, but then they keep trying to drag me into their drama. And I am so tired of the drama.

Anyway- Like I said I"m kinda in a bad mood. Hopefully it will be better next time I post.

30 Day challenge

2010-07-09T10:23:00.001-07:00

I’ve decided to give myself a 30 day challenge. I need a goal, a deadline to kick myself into gear and not give up. I think a short term plan is best. I’m not shooting for any specific amount of weight loss, but I want to be sure that I’m giving it my best effort possible.

Here are my rules:

1. Drink more water. I don’t drink much water at ALL. So I’m going to try to shot for 3-4 glasses a day. That will be a BIG improvement.

2. Limit Carb count to 30 net carbs a day. I have been following a “low carb” approach, but I’ve been a victim recently to carb creep. Since I don’t actually count my carbs everyday, I think this is the single most important thing I can do to help get things moving again. It will help me visualize how many carbs are REALLY in what I’m eating.

3. Keep track of my progress on my blog every day. I will track my morning weight, amount of net carbs consumed and the number of glasses of water I’ve had. I know people say to weight yourself weekly or whatever. I can’t do it. I see the scale I get on the scale. I might as well let you all know what number I see.

4. I also want to see if there really is a connection to my mood and how I’m eating, so I’m going to give an update of that as well on my blog. I’ve always suspected that my mood improved when I was good about keeping my carbs down, but I want to see if it really works…if it does I think it will provide additional motivation when I’m tempted to eat those double chocolate brownies.

Since I only decided this in the afternoon today, I’m making tomorrow day 1. This means my 30 day challenge is going to last until 8/08/10.

My hope is that once I’m done I’ll be well into my groove and will WANT to continue onward.

Wish me luck!

Money.

2010-07-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

I’ve been away on vacation. Well not really away. I wanted to go away but forces conspired against me and so I stayed in town. I did get so much needed R&R in though.

Now I’m back at work and I really don’t want to be here.

Why does it seem that the people who are able to live a life of leisure don’t really appreciate it? It’s terribly tragic that I have to spend my days doing mindless data entry and answering phone calls from obnoxious sales men just so I can keep a rented roof over my child’s head. What I wouldn’t give for my “job” to simply be to look as beautiful and vibrant as possible all the time.

I would have personal dieticians planning my menus for me and private chefs to cook it all up. A personal trainer would gently wake me for my morning workout with fresh brewed coffee and an egg white omelet. My son would have plenty of one on one therapy every day and could spend his afternoons playing with his mommy. My husband wouldn’t have to degrade himself by having to take a job that was beneath him because his unemployment was running out.

I could get used to the idea of being able to sail away on our yacht on a bright summer day. Lounging beachside after a grueling day of manicures, pedicures and massages is a job I could do with relish. A professional stylist would pick out my clothes every day, keeping me far from the fine line that separates casual from frumpy. I would be pampered and pretty and put together.

Yes, I want to be a gazillionaire! I want to have a helicopter on standby to bypass traffic and for people to pay me to show up at their parties. I want to be so rich that people give me diamonds for free! I want to be able to adopt a dozen babies and open my own school for disadvantaged youth.

I know they say that money can’t buy happiness and all…. But I’m thinking it could rent it for awhile!

This is not a pity party...

2010-06-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

Father’s day has always been a day of bittersweet reflection on my childhood for me. Bitter because I am not on speaking terms with my father. I haven’t seen him since my wedding and before that it had been 5 years. He has never met my son, although I suspect my great aunt has sent him a picture or two. Sweet because now that my husband is a father, he really is the best daddy in the world, and I make an effort to celebrate it for him. I really and truly believe that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him for my son’s daddy. I feel immensely blessed to finally be able to see what a father’s love looks like.

I hesitated about posting this because I don't want this to look like a pity party on my part. We all have little boo-boos on our hearts. I'm in a really good place in my life now. I struggle sometimes, but who doesn't?

On Father’s day I realized that I have no memories of my dad telling me how beautiful I was after I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I never got to have him come to my rescue when I got in over my head with the wrong crowd. My father was just never there for me.

I am getting better now. My husband has been teaching me how to trust my heart again. In the last 6 years I have given up most of my bad habits. As of last year the only vice I had left was food. I honestly didn’t have as much trouble giving up smoking as I am having with giving up food. I am tired and worn down over it. I feel like I am chugging up hill. There are days, when I know that I’m just doing enough to give the appearance of trying but my heart isn’t really into it.

I think part of it has to do with how closely food is tied to emotion. We show our families extra love by making a special meal. We celebrate the birthdays of people close to us with cake. We sooth our children’s sore throats and fevers with ice pops. We use M&Ms as rewards for potty training success. If our kids lose a soccer game we take them for ice cream. Santa and the Easter Bunny bring good little boys and girls candy and treats. We give the ones we love a box of candy on Valentine’s Day. Warm weather means cookouts with family and friends along with sugary frozen cocktails. We are taught from a very young age that being happy and loved is celebrated with a feast of good food and drink.

So I guess it makes sense that on Father’s day, when those childhood hurts came floating to the surface, I was feeling a little extra vulnerable and ate a brownie. Ok I ate two brownies. I know it’s not the most horrible thing I could have done, but the fact that I allowed my emotions to overcome my common sense and good judgment and gave into temptation like that makes me cringe inside. So I find myself this Monday morning re-committing to my goals (again) and promising myself I’ll do better (again) and giving myself the pep talk (again). Grrrr. This totally sucks.

Because it's about more than just looking good.

2010-06-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

My mind is on over-drive right now. So many thoughts are racing around trying to find a place to settle down.

I’m not even really sure about where to start. I haven’t been honest with you all. At least not completely honest like I should have been. I’ve been staying away from the Blog, partly because I’ve been busy and partly because I’ve been bad.

I didn’t mean to be bad, it all just sort of got away from me, you know? I’ve been fluctuating between 219 and 223 for the last 4 weeks. I can’t seem to re-focus my efforts and get back on track. I just didn’t care that much anymore. I know I should care, my reasons for starting this are all still there. I still want to look good for myself and my family. I still hate that I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops. I’m fat. Even after losing 20 pounds I’m still fat. I will still be fat after another 20 pounds too. And even if I lose all the weight I want and reach a “normal” body weight…. I still won’t really look great. My skin is saggy and by tummy will never be the same again. So what’s the point? Can’t I have one thing in my life that makes me feel good? I rarely drink anymore. I quit smoking cigarettes 3 years ago. I haven’t gotten stoned for 6 years. Good Food is all I have left. Part of me was (is) angry and resentful that I was giving that up too.

And then something clicked for me today. I was reading some posts from Keelie and Lucy and realized that I’ve been thinking about this all wrong lately. I have a disease. If left untreated it may lead to serious complication up to and including death. It is treatable with dietary and lifestyle changes. I’m not doing this to look better or attract a man. I have a husband who loves me just as I am now. Fat rolls and arm wings and sagging gut and all. I’m doing this because I like my life, because I love my family, because I don’t want to die.

I get comments from people now that are noticing my weight-loss. They say things like “you’re looking great! You’re getting so skinny” and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me want to eat a donut for some reason. So I’m making a decision. I’m not making this about the weight any longer. I’m making this about eating the right foods so that I don’t get diabetes.

If I lose weight while doing it that is simply a side effect of the treatment. And if I don’t lose another single pound that‘s okay with me. My husband and son won’t love me any less, and they are the only two people that matter to me.

Rebellion

2010-06-09T06:31:00.001-07:00

Mutiny on the Body.

My Body is a vessel and my Head is the captain. Normally Head is in complete control of how the Body runs. Quickly and efficiently, Head is able to make decisions and plan out what needs to be done to keep Body in top running condition. Any dissention is immediately and forcefully squashed before it can gain a hold.

Head knows all the great reasons why Body should stick to healthy eating, yet today Mouth is craving sweets and lots of them. Head tries to appease Mouth by offering healthier alternatives. Apparently Mouth is smarter than Head gives her credit for because she isn’t easily fooled by artificial sweetener. She wants sugar and lots of it.

Head knows that these are cravings being brought on by TOM coming this week. Head tells Mouth to be content with an extra packet of Splenda in our coffee this morning. Mouth scoffs at this idea and demands a pastry. Head appeals to Heart to intervene but Heart just isn’t interested today. Heart mumbles something about doing this for our family, but is interrupted by Belly loudly growling grumpily about not getting a healthy breakfast this morning. Head retorts that we barely had time to wash our hair let alone fry an egg. Belly grumbles “could have at least grabbed an instant breakfast packet or something…grrr.” Out of nowhere Nose chimes in that it smells like someone brought in bagels today.

Head realizes that she is in serious danger of losing control. Arms and Legs appear to have joined the mutiny and start to follow Nose to the kitchen. Mouth and Belly seem to have taken complete control over the collective body at this point. Head is still protesting, but is tiring fast due to lack of sleep last night. Mouth and Belly make final maneuver by inserting dollar into machine and pushing the button for pop tarts. Head can no longer hold them back and it’s over. Mouth rapidly consumes pop tarts and Belly finally shuts up.

Head is confused about how she lost control of Body and asking Heart “WHY?” Heart says “Sorry dude, I just wasn’t in the mood to fight today.” Belly is sorry and feels bad about going against Head. The only one really happy at the moment is Mouth who is silently content with the warm strawberry sugar still faintly dancing on her tongue.

“Enjoy your victory now while you can, Mouth.” Head says “You won’t see another one for a long time!”

Harumph!

2010-06-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

So I had a gain. This morning I hopped on and hopped right back off that scale. I'm not surprised at all. I've been eating like crap the last couple of days. There just aren't as many good options around as I would like sometimes when we're out. And I hate to be that person who brings a bag lunch when going to visit the in-laws. My MIL is the type of woman who gets offended if you don't eat what she makes. So far I've been able to get away with turning down desert, but I can't turn down everything or I would starve. In a couple of weeks though she'll be back in Missouri (hooray!) and I will have more control over the dinner menu again.

I've been very busy lately, So I apologize for the sporatic posting. Partly because of the aforementioned MIL visiting and partly due to other family obligations on my side. I did finally have some good news though this weekend, It looks like I'm going to be an aunt in January! My son will be so happy to have a little cousin to play with, I'm very excited. I'm also wishing a bit that I was having another. I know that the timing is horrible and financially we would be better off waiting... But my inner mommy is missing having a tiny little baby to snuggle up in my arms.

Ah well, maybe someday.....But first things first. Before I have any more babies I have to get my weight under control. Or at least under 200. I could live with myself if I was under 200 even if "they" say I should lose more...

Sweet and Sour

2010-05-25T11:09:00.001-07:00

Oh. My. God.
I cannot believe how freaking amazing the strawberries I just had for lunch were. I don’t know if I just hit them at the right time, but they are “close my eyes and moan a little” good. I don’t think they’ve ever tasted this sweet and juicy since I was a kid and ate them in the field while my mom was picking them. Mmmmmmm… I’m in pink Heaven.

On a different note- I seriously have to find the motivation to exercise more. I read all these fabulous stories of folks just like me starting C25K or heading to the gym or doing a boot-camp and I just can’t see myself doing it. I know, I know. I have to make the leap and just do it. I make up excuses for myself and it never actually gets done.

I think there is something wrong with me. I don’t get a rush from exercise AT ALL. To me a “runner’s high” is about as elusive as Big Foot. I mean I’ve heard third hand stories about it, but part of believes it all to be a hoax. I can see how that could happen too. Someone tells you that they had a really great workout and feel awesome. So you in turn work harder too and exclaim that you too feel great! SO much better than before. When in reality you both are sore and tired and cranky and fighting a mental battle to dissolve into tears. How is that better than curling up in a ball on the sofa reading a good book? I just don’ t get it. And I guess that’s because I’ve never stuck with an exercise program long enough for it to stop hurting.

Like I said, I have all sorts of excuses. I have asthma and my knees hurt. I don’t have money for a gym. I have a child with special needs at home who doesn’t get enough time with me as it is. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. It’s raining outside. I have errands to run and things to do. I need to catch up on my sleep.

The problem is I’m having a hard time fooling myself anymore into believing that I can do any of this without moving my body.

Finally the numbers are moving again!

2010-05-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

As of this morning I was at 218. So long 220's! :-)

You know- you hear about plateaus when you are dieting and always figure that you won't let them get to you but when it actually happens.... Man can it be frustrating!

I was really getting down int he dumps when I stalled out around 221. The first week wasn't bad, the second week I accepted responsibility, the third week I felt like maybe I was just naturally fat.

I mean after all, almost all the women in my family are at least a little chubby...

Just when I though I had tapped into my last little reserve of will power the scale started to budge. Thank GOD!

And thank all of you who offered words of support and encouragement. I don't think I could have stuck with my diet for as long as I have with out this wonderful community to turn to for support.

So if anyone is reading this and feeling like they have stalled and are doomed to be the chubby friend with the great personality for the rest of their lives, hang in there. Keep doing what you are supposed to be doing and the scale will start moving again eventually.

Lost the battle, still trying to win the war.

2010-05-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure it I can do this.

I still want to do it, but it’s so hard. I’m not sure that other people realize how difficult it is sometimes. It has been made clear to me in so many ways that my health depends on me losing weight. I have lost some. Not as much as I had hoped I would have lost by now though.

I’ve been writing posts about what I have to do to try to put myself in the right mind set, but it’s not working.

I am tired of this. REALLY tired.

I had the day off work yesterday and was watching Dr OZ. He was trying to say that the secret to losing weight was eating more watermelon. I have to tell you that I’m getting really sick of these “specials” dedicated to obesity that promise to give you the secret to permanent weight loss.

Has anyone considered the reasons that obesity is becoming such a problem lately? For myself I know that a good portion of it is stemming from the fact that I’m chained to my desk in front of the computer for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week.

That and I can’t seem to catch a break regarding sweet treats being in the house.

I really REALLY wanted to give up this weekend. Part of me still does. There’s a voice in my head right now that is saying, “Fuck it. You’re fat, you’ll probably always be fat, so stop trying to be something you’re not and enjoy your life.”

I’d like to tell you all right now that I ignored the desire to quit and didn’t give in to temptation. I would like to tell you that, but then I would be a liar.

I’ve been kind of half-assed about my eating the last couple of weeks. And the past weekend I pretty much quit altogether. I had bread and cake and chips… and it all tasted soooo GOOD.

I don’t feel good though. I feel bloated and tired and sick. You would think that would be enough to make me never want to eat that way again, but truth is I’m craving all sorts of junk food right now.

I just called my husband and asked him to throw away the left-over birthday cake from the weekend. I asked him if he would try to diet with me since he says he wants to lose. This afternoon I’m going to go shopping to try to get some diet friendly snacks and I’m going to start over again from scratch. The good news is I haven’t really gained much, maybe a pound or two. Bad news is I threw all that great momentum I had developed out the window.

Not feeling well at the moment.

2010-05-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

So today I had a small group of relatives over to celebrate my husband's birthday. I started out really well, but then I allowed myself to have some birthday cake. I didn't have a small piece, I had a regular large hunk of cake. And now I feel really weird. Kind of a cross between being high and being tense and anxious. I'm certain it's being caused by my blood sugar spiking. That can't possibly be a good thing. Looks like I'm going to have to get tested for Diabetes. Crap. I was really hoping that I had caught it in time and I could live a somewhat normal life by watching my diet and occasionally allowing a treat for special occasions. Now if I can only figure out what to do right now to make myself feel better....

Why did I just eat that?

2010-05-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

Stress.

You aren’t human if you haven’t felt stressed out to the breaking point at least once in your life. Now it seems like more and more of us are being tested as to how much stress we can actually bear. We work harder as every department in every industry suffers from across the board lay-offs. We are told we aren’t being paid bonuses this year, our salaries aren’t being increased, and there isn’t any overtime. Our health insurance premiums are rising along with the cost of groceries. Those of us who are looking for work are finding the competition for the few jobs available to be stiff, and it feels like everyone pays less than they used to. On the way home, we get stuck in traffic as lanes are closed for construction projects as part of the national effort to get America back to work. Living paycheck to paycheck means that Thursday night dinner might consist of leftover chicken and pot roast with a side of spaghetti.

So what do we do?

For some of us the answer is we eat.

Why? Why do we turn to food when we are stressed? It’s not like a double cheeseburger is going to help us find the money to make our car payment this month. Double fudge chocolate cake won’t make your boss stop handing you special projects on top of your already full plate of work. So why do we do it?

I think understanding this phenomenon is key to getting our eating habits under control.

Constant stress causes our bodies to produce high amounts of hormones like cortisol. Cortisol and insulin combine to create cravings for so-called “comfort foods” that tend to be high in fat and sugar. We also tend to sleep poorly when we are worried and stressed out. When we are tired we often turn to sugar and caffeine to try to perk ourselves up increasing blood sugar and insulin levels. Studies have shown that being sleep deprived also lower the amount of hormones that signal satiety and increase the hormones that trigger hunger.

So first off you need to realize that it’s not your imagination that you are hungry when you are stressed out. You ARE hungrier. It’s not a character flaw that we want to eat when things get tough.

I think the key to our long term success is going to be, especially if we are emotional eaters, to control our stress levels as much as we can.

I’ve picked up a couple of tips recently that have helped me and I thought I would share. The one that works the best for me is probably the simplest of them all.

Breathe.

Take a deep breath through your nose. Hold it for a second and then exhale through your mouth. Close your eyes when you do this. Within seconds your blood pressure drops and you feel calmer. Do this whenever you start to feel overwhelmed. I learned this last year during a customer service training at work and, amazingly enough, it really does help.

Another good tip I received is to improve my time management skills. I’m still working on this myself, but the little changes I’ve made so far have helped tremendously. I used to laugh at the motto “work smarter, not harder” but it really does work. Being able to prioritize my tasks has really made me feel less frazzled at the end of the day. There are only so many hours in the day, so I focus on what’s really important and don’t sweat the small stuff. It gets me out of the office 15 minutes earlier on average. At home that means if the housework only gets done once a week and the bed stays un-made in the morning, then so be it.

That brings me to another point. We don’t have to be perfect. I struggle with this so much. I would say that 90% of my stress is self inflicted in my attempts to please everyone. I try so hard to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, and employee. I just can’t do it. Nobody’s perfect this side of heaven. Instead, I am trying to make a concerted effort to just be “good enough.” I’m going to try to cut myself the same slack I cut everyone else I love in my life.

So the next time I find myself pulling my hair out and freaking out from the pressures of every day, I plan to stop a minute and give myself a little mini break. I'm going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, picture myself in a tropical paradise and refocus. Then do the things that are most important, when they are done I can take care of some of the less urgent stuff, and if I can't get to it all- that's okay.

It sounds like a much better plan than skipping lunch to get it all done only to find myself digging in the back of the cupboard for something chocolate at 10 pm.

How about you? What strategies do you have when life is getting the better of you? How do you avoid stress related binges?

Happy Cinqo De Mayo

2010-05-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

So I"m sitting here having my second beer of the evening. So far it's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. So I'm throwing 16 carbs worth of caution to the wind and relaxing this evening.

Diet-wise I had no loss this week. But I didn't really gain either and mother nature dropped by this evening for a visit so I'm not going to sweat it too much.

I'm about to get into it with my son's occupational therapist soon. Since my husband is the one home at the moment, he's usually the one to take him to his appointments. I always call him when they are done. Those calls go something like this.

Me: So how did he do?
DH: Good I guess.
Me: What did he do today?
DH: Some swings and climbing over stuff.
Me: Really? Swings?...
I'm thinking I could have him take my son to the park for that and save the 30 co-pay each week.
DH: Yeah. and some other stuff too.
Me: Oh okay, like what?
DH: I don't remember... Oh yeah he was stacking some blocks.
Me: Oh...hmmm...Well what did the therapist say?
DH: He's doing good.
Me: OK but is he getting better?
DH: She didn't say, but she said some things we can do at home with him.
Me: Oh good! What does she want us to do?
DH: I don't know, she said to take him to the park.
Yeah that's what I was thinking too...

So, since I obviously wasn't going to get the scoop from my dearest love, I asked him to ask her to send home a note at his next visit. Well Monday he came home with said note, and (without getting into details) I was not happy with what she wrote. I came away with the distinct impression that she had drawn conclusions in advance of working with my son that he had certain disabilities that just are not truly present.
I was pissed. I wrote a letter.
4 pages.
It's going to turn ugly, I can see it now.
It didn't help any that mother nature was on her way to town for a visit. Mama bear was feeling grouchy.

Only slightly more irritating than Mother Nature's visits are those by my mother in law. I just found out she is coming back to town soon. I guess she's leaving MO on Friday so she'll be here just in time ~~to monopolize~~ to celebrate Mother's day.
OH joy.
One small secret happiness I have though is that my low carb diet is really going to irritate her to no end. I know it's totally wrong to be happy about that, but that evil part of me is totally snickering inside.
I'm so going to Hell.

I have working-mom guilt

2010-05-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Any other working mommas feel this?

When I’m at work, I spend half my time taking care of personal business, making appointments, paying bills, shopping on my lunch break, calling to check on my son…… And then when I finally get home I’m rushing to get dinner ready and feeling burnt out from a long day at work. I get frustrated by my two year old son tugging at my hand, begging me to come play with him, when really that is all I want to do myself.

I dedicate the weekends to spending quality time with my family to try to make up for being absent so much, but two days is just not enough. By the time I get my son to bed I’m able to get about an hour of relaxation and snuggle time with my husband before I head to bed and start all over again the next day.

My house is a mess most of the time because I don’t have the time or energy to clean it the way I would like to. I have clothes that my son has out grown and toys that are too young for him cluttering his room because I haven’t had a chance to go through them yet.

I’m tired and cranky and sad today.

I know that people say you need to make “me time” for yourself. I’m told I need to force myself to find the time to exercise. When can I exercise? Do I give up my morning cuddles with my son to squeeze in a 20 minute workout before I head to the office? Do I go to the gym on my way home from work pushing dinner back to 7pm? Do I dare to work out on my lunch break and gain a reputation for being the sweaty sticky lady in the office? On the weekends, I have to choose between exercising and cleaning my house while my child sleeps. I’d prefer to exercise, but housework is usually more pressing by then.

Does wrestling with your kids count as exercise? I try to take him for walks, but does walking at the pace of a two year old actually help any?

I'm becoming a clock watcher at work. I can't wait until 5:00 rolls by and I can finally leave for the day. I call home several times to check on my son, even though I know his father is doing a terrific job with him.

I’m jealous of those who have the opportunity to stay home with their children. I know it seems boring at times, but I honestly would trade places with them in a heartbeat.

There’s not much I can do to change my position at the moment though, so I just have to suck it up and deal with the lot I’ve been dealt. My husband is out of work at the moment, so that leaves me to be the one to bring home a steady paycheck and keep our health insurance current. A small secret part of me resents the feminist movement. Right now, the whole 50’s housewife thing is looking pretty attractive to me.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much today. Maybe it’s because my son was clinging to me once he realized I was leaving this morning. Maybe it’s just the Monday blahs. I do like my job; I just wish I could do it part time or from home or something. But they aren’t options for me.

So how do you supermoms do it? How do you stop feeling guilty all day? How do you give enough time to your families and still manage to carve out some time for yourself? When do you find time to exercise?

The blessing of fear.

2010-04-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

Quality vs. Quantity -
Which is more important?
How much of something you have or how good that something is?

I find this theme coming up often in my life these days. In my food choices, the time I spend with my son, the work I do every day at the office… I want both. I want the most of the best I can have. I’m feeling like there’s no such thing as “too much of a good thing.” I want it all!

We only have one chance to live this life of ours, and the time we have to live it is appallingly short. My grandparents are dying. It’s not surprising because they are 88 and 90 years old, so it really is just a matter of time, even if they weren’t sick- but they are. My grandmother is bed-ridden now and my grandfather is going through Chemo. Their life sucks right now.

Watching them as they near the end of their lives has me thinking a lot about my own mortality and the brevity of life. I can’t help but imagine what the future holds for me, how long I have left and what I can do to stay (get) healthy. Morbid, huh?

When I started this journey, I was inspired by my son. I said I was doing it for him, so he would have a healthy mom and never feel ashamed that I was fat. That’s still all true, but lately I feel more and more that I’m doing this for myself too. You see, I don’t want to die early. I want as much time as I can get with my husband and my son. I want to dance with my son at his wedding. I want to play with my husband in our retirement. I want to sing my grandchildren to sleep. I want to grow old.

More than just a little part of me is scared. I am afraid that I won’t be successful and I’m afraid of what I might lose if I’m not. The stakes for me have become so much higher all of a sudden. This is much bigger for me than just trying to look good in a bathing suit by June. If it was all about cosmetics, I’m sure I would have given up a long time ago.

That fear is a good thing. Fear is a gift. Fear is what makes us run away from things that will hurt us. Fear is what motivates us to fight for ourselves and those that we love. I know I will be successful at this because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I am not. I never had that before, and that’s why this time will be different. This time has to be different.

Why Low Carb part 2 - Insulin

2010-04-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

So last time I promised everyone a layman’s explanation of Insulin and how it affects our bodies.

I’ll start with the basics. Insulin is a hormone that is produced in the pancreas. It’s basic job is to move sugar from our blood to our cells where it can be used for energy. If the cells have all the sugar they can use and there is still some left over, insulin then causes this excess sugar to be stored as fat. Too much sugar in your blood is very bad for your body.

In Type One diabetics, the pancreas does not produce enough insulin to remove all the sugar from your blood. In Type Two diabetics the pancreas continues to make insulin, but the cells have stopped responding to it. When this happens the kidneys have to work overtime to filter the sugar out of your blood, and chronic high blood sugar is what leads to all sorts of problems that Diabetics suffer from (numbness, blindness, etc).

Insulin also stops your body from burning fat, because it tells your fat cells that there is already enough sugar for your energy needs. When Insulin is not present your body then turns to burning stored fat for energy. So it makes sense that if you want to lose fat, that you should try to keep your insulin levels under control.

What happens when you eat a high carbohydrate (sugar) meal? Within minutes of consuming a high carb food your blood sugar spikes. Your body panics because too much sugar is very damaging to your body and releases massive amounts of insulin. The Insulin takes all the sugar out of your blood as quickly as possible, giving what it can to your cells and storing the rest as fat. Too much insulin takes out too much sugar and then because your blood sugar is too low, you start to crave sweets. This becomes a viscous cycle causing your body to store fat and preventing it from burning fat. It’s also what creates the high that so many food addicts crave and the subsequent crash that inevitably follows a binge.

So how do we make sure that we keep our insulin levels low so we can lose weight? One way is to restrict how many calories and fat we consume. On a low calorie, low fat diet when insulin is released there is very little fat to store so your body is forced to release some of it’s stored fat to survive. If you increase your body’s energy needs through vigorous exercise it increases this effect. This causes you to lose weight and is the recommended method of most doctors. The problem, as so many of us know first hand, is that because you are eating a lot of carbs and your blood sugar isn’t stable, you feel hungry shortly after eating. You have to exercise extreme amounts of will power to overcome your body’s signal to eat. You become grouchy and irritable and when you can no longer resist, you over-indulge.

When you eat a low carb diet, you are not causing your blood sugar to rise. Your body releases very little insulin, and burns the fat for fuel. If your body needs more energy than is available in the food you ate, it is able to easily release it from stored fat tissue. You don’t have cravings or feel sluggish because your blood sugar levels are finally steady, instead of spiking up and down. Protein and Fat are very satisfying and you don’t tend to over indulge like you would with carbs. Think back to when you over eat. It’s likely that you over indulged with chips and cake and ice cream and pasta, etc. Another benefit is because you are getting adequate amounts of protein, you won’t lose muscle like you do with more traditional diets.

I can’t stand being hungry. I hate it. I have very little self control when I get that way. That’s why I love the low carb diet. I can lose weight without feeling like I’m starving myself.

I cheated this weekend a bit because it was my son’s 2nd birthday so I had a pieces of cake and some pizza. I felt sick for days afterwards. It was a huge wake-up call and a reminder that Sugar is poison. Are bodies are not designed to eat this way. Low carb is by far the more natural way to eat.

Think about it this way, if civilization came to an end tomorrow and you were forced to flee into the mountains and live off the land, what would you eat? You would have mostly meat that you were able to hunt or trap and vegetables that you were able to grow or gather. When it was in season, if you were lucky enough to find some, you might be able to have a piece or two of fruit. You wouldn’t be eating grains much. If you want sugar you would have to brave a beehive for some fresh honey. The high carbohydrate foods that have become a staple of our western diet would be a luxury item rarely consumed.

For thousands and thousands of years our bodies evolved to perform on this type of low carb diet. It is only in the most recent part of our evolutionary history that sugar and flour have been so available and inexpensive. That’s why I am always saying that the low carb lifestyle makes sense to me, it's natural for us to eat this way!

Quickie

2010-04-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy since it's inventory time and that means working long hours with no break. Plus it's my little guy's 2nd Birthday tomorrow so I've been running around crazy trying to get everything done.
BUT
I was super excited to see that my weigh in this morning was 220.6 which is a loss this week of 2 pounds!
Woot Woot!
So I wanted to share my joy with all you lovlies out there in bloggerland.

:-) Have a happy day!

Why Low Carb?

2010-04-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I’ve noticed as I’ve begun to lose weight is that as soon as someone I haven’t seen for awhile sees me they remark “You look great! Are you losing weight? What have you been doing?” My standard reply is “Thanks! I’ve been trying to slim down this year. I’m following a low carb diet.”

This simple statement usually elicits an “oh” and the subject is abruptly dropped. I know what’s going through their minds. I heard that wasn’t healthy. I could never give up pasta and sweets. I know someone that did that and they gained it all back once they went off the diet.

The thing is that, when done correctly, low carb diets ARE healthy. You don’t really miss the bread and pasta and sweets after the first couple of weeks. And the biggest myth, about gaining it all back and then some? Well that’s true of any diet if you go back to unhealthy eating habits as soon as you meet your goals, it’s certainly not exclusive to the low carb club.

Since I’ve run into so many questions about how this diet works, I’ve decided to devote the next couple of posts to explaining it a little. I think this might be helpful to me to reinforce what I already know, so please don’t think I’m getting preachy or pushing my eating plan on you, this exercise is as much for me as anyone.

The first thing I want to talk about is what exactly is a carbohydrate? Food is broken into 3 things; Protein, Fat, and Carbohydrate. Fiber, sugar and starch are all lumped into the same category as far as food labels go. For diet purposes though, you are only concerned about effective carbohydrates. These are carbs that affect your blood sugar levels. Fiber does not. So when calculating the number of carbohydrates in an item, you need to subtract the fiber from the total carb count. For example in my jar of natural peanut butter, 2 table spoons have 6 grams of total Carbohydrates and 2 grams of fiber for a total of 4 net carbohydrates.

The average American consumes about 300 grams of total carbohydrate a day and around 14 grams of fiber. This means that the average person eats about 286 effective carbs a day. Most low carb diets give you numbers to shoot for. For example Atkins starts you out at 20 carbs a day and you slowly increase them by 5 until you achieve slow steady weight loss of 1-2 pounds a week. Yes you can lose a ton of weight really fast by doing this, but this is where a lot of the criticism comes from that it’s not healthy and you can’t sustain it for long, etc. If you have a wedding coming up in 3 weeks and you want to drop an extra 10-15 pounds then this is the way to go. If you’re like me and you have 40+ pounds to lose, you want to be more practical. I don’t actually count the carbs I consume each day and I don’t have a limit. What I do is make sure that I am eating mostly meat and vegetables, with small amounts of fruit. I have omitted potatoes, rice and pasta from diet. I only eat the low carb bread when I’m dying for it and try to eat fiber at every meal. I would guess that I’m probably eating somewhere between 30-45 net carbs a day.

Typical day

Breakfast- Fiber one original cereal w/ unsweetened Almond Breeze Milk = 13 Net carbs

Mid morning- Coffee or tea with half and half and Splenda = 3 Net carbs

Lunch- Big salad with grilled chicken breast and blue cheese dressing = 9 net carbs (approximate)

Snack – Beef jerky and diet coke = 5 net carbs

Dinner – Chicken with Broccoli and Cauliflower = 5 net carbs

Evening treat- either a Jell-O Temptations mouse cup or a light beer, but only if I really want it. = 5 net carbs

Total=35-40 net carbs on average.

I really don’t feel deprived at all. The first couple of weeks are the hardest, because your body is adjusting to the change, but once your body makes that adjustment, you feel so much better. Your energy increases, you don’t have that sluggish feeling mid afternoon. In fact, when I do make an exception and eat some sugar or flour I actually feel a little lightheaded or high now.

There are a lot of health benefits to eating low carb, and I’ll get into all of those in my next post. The single biggest advantage though (for me) is that I’m not hungry anymore. Can you imagine that? You can lose weight without being hungry. It’s amazing to me. The protein and fat that you eat is so satisfying that once your body switches from sugar burning mode to fat burning mode, you will find yourself eating less naturally without wanting more. Really, that is the key to long term weight loss, isn't it?

My next post I’m going to talk some about Insulin and how your body’s metabolism works. This is what I mean when you've heard me say that the science behind this way of eating makes sense. I'm going to try to break it down in a way that is easy to understand, because this is where a lot of people are misinformed and get the impression that eating fewer carbs isn't healthy.

15 pounds gone!

2010-04-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

Weigh in this week- 222.6 means a 15 pound total loss.

I am super happy! Not just because I finally have a loss to post, but because I've stuck with it for this long. Here's the thing, Ultimately I don't want my happiness to be determined by whether I lose weight or gain weight or plateau for awhile - I don't want my happiness to be dependent on my body at all!
But I am proud of myself for accomplishing change in an area that I was looking to improve. And I am improving every day. My clothes fit looser. I feel younger and less wiped out. I can climb my stairs a little easier.

I still have a long way to go before I'm not considered obese anymore, though.
I hate that word by the way. Obese. It is truly a loaded word that brings to mind images of Gilbert Grape's mom for me.

I know it's supposed to be a medical term and all, but it is offensive to me. In fact the whole way the medical community addresses the growing epidemic of chronic obesity in America is offensive to me. People are dying and if a doctor addresses the issue at all with a patient they only tell them to eat more fiber and less fat. The only medical solution they have come up with is Gastric Bypass Surgery. You would think that by now the powers that be would have identified what is causing this epidemic. I mean it's not like one or two people are fat. In 2009 34 percent of Americans were considered to be obese and 32.7 percent are overweight. This means that 2 out of 3 people weigh more than they should these days. It can't be all about will power and McDonalds!

It's hard for the average person to sift through all the research and diets and fads to try to find what works. I think that's why I am able to do the low carb thing, because the science behind it makes sense to me and it seems solid. Obviously I'm not an expert on this though. It would be nice if the government would take an interest in this. I mean really, you want to bring down the cost of healthcare? Let's start by making people healthier! Maybe gym memberships should be tax deductible and you could get a tax credit for bringing your BMI down so many points in a year. Maybe the FDA should talk to someone about how they say there are 2.5 servings of soup in a can. Maybe they should start focusing on healthy eating habits in schools. I don't know how to fix it, but when I think about how broken it has become with no attempts to fix it it makes me really angry.

Think about it, if 2 out of 3 people in the United States got cancer there would be walks and telethons and concerts for a cure. Bono would be outraged!
But we're just fat and it's not the same thing because it's our own fault.
Or is it?

2010-04-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

So I’m 13 weeks into this thing and I have to admit, I’m losing gas fast.

The last couple of weeks were very challenging for me. I didn’t do as well as I wanted to , but I also didn’t give in to temptation as much as I wanted to either. The world would be such an easier place to be thin in if everyone didn’t constantly try to push food down your throat.

My problem is that I really, REALLY like food. I like to cook it and I like to eat it and I like to feed it to people. I am trying to take what I like about food and applying it to my weight loss efforts. I tweak recipes to fit my nutritional goals and prepare nice healthy dinners for myself and my family. Lately though, I’ve discovered that my efforts are only successful if I am completely in control of the food situation. When other people get involved, I really start struggling.

I was able to avoid most sweets this past weekend. I did eat a macaroon on Saturday and a small piece of coconut cake on Sunday night. I had a bagel-fest on Friday, mostly because there wasn’t anything else available. Aside from one or two small Reese’s peanut butter eggs, I avoided the Easter candy. I did get supremely ticked off at my mother in law which prompted me to drink a little more wine than I had planned. (She put together a huge Easter basket that was bigger than the one I did from the Easter bunny and bought several toys for my son, which is nice, but it just confuses him and she really has to stop trying to outdo me or I swear I will not be responsible for my actions….end of rant)

On Monday I restarted my low carb plan. It feels like it’s rougher this time around than it was in January. I’ll get through it though. Eventually I’ll get to where I want to be, and I know that even when I reach my destination it is going to be an ongoing struggle to stay there. On the plus side, everyone did notice that I had lost some weight. Of course this implies that everyone also noticed how fat I had gotten, but no one ever mentions that, do they? Well at least not to my face they didn’t. Knowing my in-laws though, I’m certain they gossiped about me behind my back. Malicious little beasts.

Can you tell that I’m annoyed with my husband’s family yet? They suck the fun right out of every special day.

Anyway this is not really the right time or place to complain about the in laws. Though lord knows I could do a whole other blog about them and never run out of stories. Maybe I’ll consider that for a future project…. Hmmm.

I’ll try to be better about posting, I’ve been avoiding it partly because I knew I wasn’t doing as well as I should be.

Take care and God bless.

Weigh in Week 11 - And a funny thing happened.

2010-03-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

225.2 That’s -1 pound this week.

Total weight loss = 12.4

So I’m losing about a pound a week. Not bad. I just have to keep looking at the big picture and remember that slow weight loss equals permanent weight loss. I was hoping to be under 200 before I had to put on a bathing suit in public though, So I am going to try to step it up a bit to increase that to 2 pounds per week. I think I can safely do that just by trying a little harder not to cheat, especially now that the weather is warming up and my little man wants to go outside every day.

Speaking of which, I want to thank you all for commenting on my last post about my son’s eating habits. I do think most of it is just normal toddler behavior and picky eating habits. I’ve been meaning to pick up a copy of deceptively delicious too so thanks for the suggestion, it reminded me that I need to go to Borders today.

Diet-wise- I don’t have much to report. I’m still chugging along on the low carb train. I’ve slipped occasionally but nothing too bad. My biggest challenge is that a lot of our family and friends just don’t serve diet friendly foods. The other big thing is that there seems to always be a holiday going on! I can’t escape the big family meals. For example last weekend we went to my sister in laws house supposedly for Corned Beef and Cabbage. Well that was all fine and good except that dinner wasn’t served until late and appetizers consisted of chips and hot pastry puff things. Then to go along with the Corned beef and cabbage there were potatoes, carrots, applesauce and corn bread. So I ate what I was allowed to eat, the meat and cabbage. Of course some other guests asked if I wanted anything and then I became the center of attention while I had to explain that I was following a low carb diet. Blah blah blah… It occurred to me that I feel very self conscious when others comment on my weight loss. It’s almost like they are saying they noticed that I had become somewhat of a porker lately and they think it’s great that I want to be less of a porker now. But that’s my issue and I have to get over it.

I had a slightly embarrassing event this weekend too. I took my son to the beach to enjoy the warm weather. Well he started getting tired and threw a temper tantrum as only 2 year olds can do. Ok - maybe not only two year olds, I’ve been known to pitch a fit when it’s that TOM and my sugar free ice cream has been eaten by my oblivious DH…but that’s another story. Anyway, he was screaming at the top of his lungs “bye BYE” in the restaurant we stopped in to eat some lunch so I scooped him up to take him back out to the boardwalk to calm down. He started squirming in my arms to be put down so much that he pushed up my shirt a little and then….MY JEANS STARTED TO FALL DOWN. I managed to set my son down before I was looking like a fool with my pants on the ground, -but just barely. And I’m sure that I flashed a whole lot of my big white winter belly at everyone as it was happening.

Or maybe it was a pink belly as I’m sure I was blushing down to my toes….I guess it’s time to get a smaller pair of jeans….;-)

Veggies? Yuck mom!

2010-03-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being a mom can be so hard. Before I had my son I had all these ideas abouthow I was going to be the perfect mother.

I was never going to let my son have junk food.
I would breast feed until he was a year old.
He wouldn't be allowed to watch TV, especially at meal time.
I wouldn't be one of those mothers who let him eat nothing but chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese.

I was so sure that I knew it all and it would all work out that way. Then after I had my little angel I had my best laid plans go awry. It turned out that my son was born with a neurological disorder that caused him to have very low muscle tone at birth, He would have episodes where he would be unresposive for 12+ hours with repetitive vomiting. It was too hard for him to suckle, so breast feeding was out. He lost a full pound of weight the first week he was born, and went from the 98th percentile to the 5th in one month. But with persistance and special bottle nipples I was able to get him to start gaining a little at a time. I became obsessed with how many calories he was taking in. I had to set an alarm to wake me at 3 am so I could make sure that he had a feeding. When it came time to introduce solid food, we had similar trouble. After much patience and persistance we were able to get him to take to purees, but getting him to eat actual solid table food was very challenging. It turns out that part of his disorder included oral defensiveness. He won't tolerate certain textures and has a hard time chewing and swallowing.

Through trial and error we found a few things that he really likes. Strong flavors like spicy food kind of "wake up" his mouth making it easier. My go to foods that I can always count on him eating are pizza, hot dogs, breakfast burritos, chicken, taquitos, noodles with tomato sauce, yogurt and applesauce. Occasionally I can get him to eat fried eggplant, battered green beans, fish sticks or french fries; but they're hit or miss items. We give him a multi vitamin in the morning and a bottle of pediasure at night.

I know, I know! I have to take away that last bottle soon, after all he's turning 2 next month. But I'm a worry-wart over the whole thing.

He won't eat plain veggies at all. I can usually get him to try a green bean or broccoli or peas, but as soon as the first one hits his mouth he's spitting it out and making faces. So I sneak veggies into his food. I buy yogurts with pureed veggies like squash and sweet potato mixed in. I buy carrot apple juice. I put spinach on his pizza and buy special "garden" noodles that promise a full serving of veggies (not sure if I believe the last one).

So what does this have to do with weight loss? Well I'm afraid that I'm setting him up for a lifetime of bad eating habits.

For the last two years I have been consumed by his weight and worry over getting him to have adequate intake. I confess that in my panic over his calories I didn't care if they were empty or not. I often give him a pudding cup or cookies to make up if he eats a meal poorly. I mix pediasure into every cup of milk he gets during the day, so now he won't drink milk unless it is sweetened and tastes like vanilla.

His weight is ok now, we've managed to get him back into the 25th percentile and physical and occupational therapy seem to have helped him overcome some of his troubles. I want to get him to eat a healthier menu including fresh veggies.

Most of all I want to stop obsessing over every bite of food he has. I literally still calculate in my head how many calories he takes in at each meal. For example if I know 1/4 cup of his pasta has 50 calories and there were approximately 7 noodles in 1/4 cup there are approximately 7 calories per noodle. So if he only eats 3 noodles he got 21 calories. I do this all day long. I call my husband 4 times a day during the week to ask him how much he ate while I'm at work.

He's becoming more aware of everything now. And I don't want to give him an unhealthy attitude about food, especially so early in life. I'm trying really hard not to push him to keep eating. But I have to tell you all that when he eats nothing and says he's done, it sends a shiver of panic through me and I can't help myself from offering him a yogurt or apple sauce or ANYTHING to get him to eat.

I'm so afraid that my neurotic attitude is going to keep him from recognizing his own hunger signals and some day he is going to end up with his own blog and blaming me for all his weight troubles.
So I'm trying, but it's a struggle. I'm such a control freak, it's really hard for me to hand over that control to a 2 year old.

What do you think? How much of your current weight troubles are the result of habits learned in childhood?

This is what my mornings have been like lately.

2010-03-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

My office has been ordering in breakfast for everyone the last couple of days. Yesterday was doughnuts. Today was danishes and muffins. Tomorrow they are planning for bagels.

Talk about a low-carb dieters nightmare.

Please pray for me, I'm not sure I'll make it.....

Week 10- Weigh in

2010-03-16T06:53:00.000-07:00

Today’s weigh in: 226.2

That’s a loss of 1.4 pounds!

My clothes are looser, and I feel lighter.

I haven’t been doing very well with the adding carbs back in slowly though. I will admit to you all right now that as soon as I gave myself that permission I began indulging in all manner of things that I shouldn’t have had.

White rice, Bread, Girl Scout cookies, Ice cream, Mini tacos, Special K chocolaty cereal, Pancakes…Oh my!

I went on a fruit bender too and ate a banana and and apple within minutes of each other. Then I devoured 10 prunes as I was feeding one to my constipated son. Not a pretty picture!

I know it hasn’t been as bad as it could be, but it could easily get out of control again. I sat here and contemplated getting a pop tart out of the vending machine for 20 minutes this morning.

So I’m back on the low carb train. I just have to accept the fact that, for me, eating an apple is like an alcoholic having a chardonnay. Before you know it I’ll be drunk on Cinnabons and Frosties.

It’s not like I’m not eating healthy. I really am. A lot of people in my life have a misconception when I say I’m eating low carb that I’m just eating red meat 24/7. Yesterday I had an egg white omelet with spinach and feta and turkey sausage for breakfast. I had a huge salad with grilled chicken for lunch. I got home from work late and wasn’t really hungry so I had a couple of hotdogs without the bun for dinner.

Maybe once I get some more of this weight off I’ll have better control over my blood sugar. But right now it’s far more important to my health to avoid blood sugar spikes at all costs. I do not want to end up with Type 2 Diabetes and that is was where I am was headed.

Zen and the Art of Slowing Down

2010-03-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

I want it now.

It is the cry of a whole generation that never has to wait for anything. Everything we want we can have almost instantaneously. We can download movies and TV to watch immediately on our phone. We can skip commercials on TV with our DVRS. We are living in a fast food nation where little to no thought is being given to the quality of what we ingest, just how quickly we can get it. We are living a 24/7 lifestyle, multitasking our way through our lives and not truly experiencing a moment of it. We have everything at our fingertips, and when we can’t get what we want right now, we start feeling anxious and wonder why not.

I was surfing through some blogs the other day and noticed one that sounded particularly discouraged. She acknowledged that she was losing about 1-2 pounds a week, but wanted advice on how to lose bigger numbers. Another wrote about not having the time to actually sit down for her meals. And I realized that as I was replying to her post that I was eating a salad at my desk at work while answering inbound calls, trying to catch up on some data entry and reading blogs at the same time- And that was supposed to have been my lunch hour!

It really makes me sad to realize that so many of us are so rushed that we are not able to truly savor this life that God gave us. And I know I’m guilty of it too. Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom now and trying to teach my son to be patient in a world that seems devoted to instant gratification. Whatever it is, I’m dropping out of that mind-set right now.

This need for speed is killing us. We have got to slow down people! We had a speaker come into our office a few months back who told us about how multitasking was bad for our health. Trying to do two things at once causes our cortisol levels to rise. Stress can be responsible for everything from burn-out to heart disease. Conventional wisdom used to tell us that anything worth having was worth waiting for and anything worth doing is worth doing right. So why are we rushing through our lives, doing too many things at once and doing none of them well? We have so much pressure put on us every day from our jobs, our husbands, our kids, our friends... but most of all from ourselves.

In my last post I talked about how I wanted to stop the compulsive behavior surrounding my eating and the differences between the naturally thin and the food obsessed. I think if I ever hope to get to that happy place in my life where I’m not completely freaked out by a large spread of yummy goodness that I need to make some changes to how I approach life in general. Writing that post really caused me to think. I realized that I put myself under incredible pressure everyday to be the best at my job, the best wife, the best mother, the best daughter – that it really wasn’t that surprising that the one person I let down and didn’t take care of was me. That simply can’t continue or I’ll be no good to anyone anymore.

I am going to try to make a conscience effort to bring more Zen into my life. I am making the choice to slow down and be present in the moment and enjoy my surroundings. I am giving up multitasking. I am going to eat more slowly and really enjoy my meals. I’m going to try to meditate at least once a day.

Now- take a deep breath.

Take another one.

Feel the air going in and out of your body.

Ahhhhhh. Doesn’t that feel good?

Confession of a Compulsive Eater.

2010-03-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Did you ever wonder how some people are just naturally thin? You know the ones I’m talking about. They eat like teenage boys after running a marathon and yet look like they could be blown to Oz by a strong breeze. These are the ones who only gained 15 pounds during their pregnancies and after having the baby shimmied back into their size 3 jeans to head home. What makes these skinny minnies so…skinny?

I have a theory that there is no such thing as a truly “naturally” thin person. Sure some of us are genetically predisposed to gain weight more or less easily than others… But the real difference seems to be in how these thin folks relate to food.

I did some looking on line to see what a typical thin person ate in a day. The answers were as varied as the people responding. But all of them had one thing in common, their relationship with food. They ate as much as they wanted to, until they were satisfied, and then they didn’t eat any more. They didn’t stress about food. They didn’t obsess over it the way that I do. If they wanted to eat pizza for lunch, they had it. And if they got home and weren’t hungry… they didn’t eat! They didn’t feel the need to clean their plate. On holidays they tended to indulge, BUT only for that one day. Treats were…treats. They only ate them occasionally, not every day, let alone at every meal.

Sometimes I feel that I eat like a convicted felon. I eat every meal like it’s my last. I savor every bite of my meal like I may never eat again- even if I’m full. I never went without food, so I’m not sure where this is coming from. Maybe because I was urged to finish my meal before I could leave the table as a kid? That seems like an extreme reaction to typical parenting. I am aware that the way I eat sometimes isn’t healthy or normal because if I was honest with myself I would acknowledge that I hid a lot of what I ate from others. I would pig out on McDonalds at lunch and eat in my car so no one would see me. I would sneak extra bites in the kitchen before I set out dinner on the table. I was treating food like an alcoholic treats a bottle of vodka.

Why? I just don’t get it. I have a great life and a great family and an amazing husband and child. I don’t believe in “food addiction” in the sense that the daytime talk circuit has put out there. I think that there is a difference between true addiction and compulsive behavior. But I can see how some people could make the analogy. The worst thing about being an emotional eater is that the more depressed I became because I was fat, the fatter I got. Evil Vicious Cycle.

Anyway, I’m hoping that there will be a day that I can feel comfortable if I go to a party that features a buffet. But even if I am always conscious of the food around me, I know that I still have the power to listen to my inner Nancy Reagan and “Just Say No!” when temptation strikes.

So let me ask, how do you relate to to the food on your plate?

No change this week...

2010-03-09T07:01:00.000-08:00

Oh well... I think it's because I'm all bloaty due to mother nature paying me a visit. :-(
I'm not going to complain too much though because until this morning I was starting to get very concerned that I might be preggos and that would most definately not have been part of my plan for this year!

Today I want to talk about taking breaks.

I've seen some people who have made part of their plan taking one day a week or month that they allow themselves to eat anything that they have been craving while on their plan. So far I have resisted doing this. Not because I think it's a bad idea, I think it can be very instrumental in stopping you from cheating as well as teaching you how to eat forbidden foods in moderation. Moderation is the key though. If you plan on giving yourself permission on Sundays to eat some things you aren't supposed to eat during the week, that's okay. But you can't take that permision to be an excuse to go on an all out eating binge where you gorge yourself until you can't breathe on any number of high calorie, low nutrient foods.

Up until now I have been following a low-carb approach to dieting. I think it's time for me to try mixing it up. I still want to avoid sugar and refined carbs. And I want to keep my blood sugar as stable as possible. But I think I want to start to add in more "good" carbs now specifically fruits and whole grains. I have to closely monitor it though because I don't want to over-do it and go off on some crazy eating binge. So I am going to implement a variation on the "Free day" philosophy. I am going to start allowing some meals that I would not have had up to this point. I'm going to start with the weekends because that seems to be when I have the most time to carefully plan a meal. It's not going to be a free for all though. Even though I'm going to be eating more carbs, I want them to be nutrient dense low glycemic complex carbohydrates. That means brown rice, whole wheat pasta, and fresh fruit and veggies. It does not mean I can have a bowl of fruit loops because the box claims they have whole grains. My reason for this is two fold. First I'm doing it because no matter my intentions, I don't think I can do very low carb forever because, well let's face it, I don't live in a low carb world. More importantly, I want to model good eating habits for my 23 month old son. Part of my parenting philosophy has been that I don't want to make separate meals for my child. I prefer him to eat what we are eating. That means preparing balanced meals for the whole family to enjoy together. If I'm not eating half of the meal, it's not providing a good model for him to at least try a little of everything.

Get back on that horse dammit!

2010-03-04T05:46:00.000-08:00

This seems to be the time of year that some of us give up on our resolutions from the New Year. In January we are excited and determined to make changes for the better. Yet it seems like once the newness and luster of our new lifestyles have worn off it becomes harder to keep ourselves motivated. I have seen too many of the women who inspired me to get started making these changes falling off their wagons in recent weeks. It starts with a small cheat, and then an excuse inevitably follows. The Devil works his evil magic and she figures since she already screwed up her plan she might as well get some cravings out of her system before she re-starts. She orders the Shamrock shake and cheeseburger. She enjoys it like Yogi Bear enjoys a good picnic basket.

Then the excuses come faster and easier. I haven't been grocery shopping, I’ll re-start after my cousin’s wedding 2 weeks from now, I've been sick with the flu and still don’t feel completely recovered. Before she knows it a whole month will have passed of unhealthy binge eating. She actually eats worse than she did before she started to try losing weight because each time she encounters a temptation, she gives in this time. She figures she’ll l start her diet tomorrow so it’s okay. I know how it goes because I’ve done it myself so many times. Now through the blogosphere I have born witness to this sad sequence of events happening in so many other ladies' lives. What once was a private struggle with our own inner demons is now laid bare for all to see.

I admit I was getting tired of working so hard. I was feeling resentful of skinny people who seem to be able to eat the things I love without any repercussions. I tasted my husband’s Shamrock shake and I confess it was VERY difficult not to down the whole thing in momentary fit of hedonistic ecstasy. The thoughts raced through my mind “I deserve a break; I’ve been doing so well. One cheat won’t destroy my diet. If I plan it right I can make up for this later.” Then something amazing happened. I reflected on what I have done so far and how much further I have yet to go and decided that IT JUST WASN’T WORTH IT.

So stay strong and fight the inner demons that will sabotage your efforts. You are not helpless in this. You can do it. It’s not too hard. Live in the moment. This moment, right now, is all that you can control. You can control what you eat right now. You can control if you get your body moving right now. You can get back on track RIGHT NOW. As Nike once said- Just do it. Don’t allow yourself to make excuses. Give yourself the tough love you need. You are so totally worth it.

My very first Blog Award!

2010-03-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Bestowed upon me by Sunny at the Sunny side of life.

It’s given to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world!

Thank you! I feel so humbled. *blushing*

The rules for this award are as follows:

•Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

•Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.

•Link the nominees within your post.

•Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

•Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

Here are my 12 nominees for this award. All of these lovelies have really inspired me in so many ways...

1. Tiffany at project 365.

2. Jules at Big Girl Bombshell

3. Jenn at Ex Hot Girl

4. Mrs Fatass at Did I Just Eat That Out Loud?

5. Continous Changes

6. JewliaGoulia

7. Former Fat Mama

8. Keelie at We Are Losing It

9. AnotherFatGirl

10. Nicole at Let Them Eat Lettuce

11. Alexandra at Done Girl

12. The Big G for his rockin' beats.

Thanks to each of you for being such an inspiration to me. Keep it up, together we can all acheive so much more than we can alone!

Weigh in Week 8

2010-03-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

Today's weigh in.....227.6
You know what that means? I met mini goal #2 - ten pounds lost.
I have earned myself a trip to the Almay make-up counter where I plan to buy a new tube of my favorite red lipstick. And I get a nifty new badge for my blog.

Today I went to lunch at Chilis with my husband and son. I had the fajitas without the tortilla. YUM! Then we went to Babies R Us to pick up son's first potty. I just had him sit on it for a few minutes but he didn't do anything. I have to confess, I am completely intimidated by potty training. My MIL thinks I've totally dropped the ball on this because her sons we all out of diapers by the time they were 1. Mine is turning 2 in April and doesn't even tell us when he needs his diaper changed yet. I didn't want to push him until he was ready, and I still don't, but now I'm concerned that he may just have such a laid back attitude about life that he might be content to be in diapers until he's in Kindergarten. So I'm going to give him a nudge. We've already been letting him watch us go, so now I'm making a big deal about him having his own "potty." I think once the diapers I have are gone, I'm going to transition him to the Pull ups that have the "feel cool" liner so that he starts to feel when he goes. Then I'm planning to move him into training pants. I am scared of the whole process, I don't really have any idea of how to do this. If any of my mommy readers have any tips, I'm all ears! :-)

Excercising the body and soul...

2010-02-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

So in March I have decided to try adding excercise to my plan. I've lost a little weight now and am feeling more energized so I think I can manage it. I'm going slowly at first because I have noticed in the past if I try to do too much too soon I feel like it's too hard and I can't do it. Soon after I usually end up giving up on the whole plan, diet included. I don't have any extra money right now, but luckily there is a small workout room in my apartment complex. It's not as good as a gym, but it's far more convenient and most importantly it's free. My goal is to get myself into shape so that when the weather finally warms up and the snow finally melts I can work out outdoors without embarrasing myself. Today was my first day and I feel pretty good so far.

I'm also using the season of Lent to try to get my family back into the habit of going to church on Sundays. My husband being the big sports fan that he is was all to eager to take advantage of my exhaustion when I was pregnant and then having the baby as an excuse not to go. But our son is almost 2 now and the church has a cry room we can sit in so no more excuses. So for Lent we are giving up one hour of our Sunday to spend time with God. I'm telling you all this because I feel like this is a part of my overall plan to get healthy.

So much of my energy is focused on the health of my body. What I eat, how much I excercise and how I relax. I think that for me to feel truly healthy I also need to start investing some of my energy to my spirtual health as well. I'm not saying that you have to go to church to be healthy spiritually. I just think that I could use some improvement in that area and Church feels like a good first step for me. Physical fitness is a big goal of mine for this year, but I'm realizing that it's only a part of what I truly desire which is to be healthy. I wan to be healthy in body, spirit and mind. Just as I need to challenge my body if I expect to improve my physical health, I need to challenge my spirit and mind if I want to have a healthy soul and intellect.

"A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world."

-John Locke (1632 - 1704)

Weigh in week 7

2010-02-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Today’s weigh in- 228.6

That’s a 1.2 pound loss this week and 9 pounds since I’ve started this journey. To help me visualize exactly what I’ve accomplished so far – this is what 9 pounds of fat looks like-

I’m feeling really good about my progress so far. I’m losing at a reasonable rate that will be more likely not to come back on again. It’s real hard though sometimes to stay focused on the big picture. Now that the excitement of starting a new healthy lifestyle has faded and I’m left with the ugly reality that this is going to take a year or longer before I reach my goal weight, I find myself getting a little depressed over it all. I’m trying to tell myself that it doesn’t matter how long it takes me to get there, because I’m going to be eating and living this way for the rest of my life. I can’t think of my goal as being the end of my “diet” because then it will all have been for nothing. I’m trying to change my perception of this journey to a lifestyle change. The problem is that I love food and the idea of giving it all up for the rest of my life kind of bums me out. I think that’s why I’ve failed so miserably at this during other attempts.

It reminds me of when I tried to quit smoking in the past. I must have tried to quit dozens of times. New Year’s Resolutions, Lent, Great American Smoke Out and sometimes just because. It never stuck before because I liked smoking. Sure I knew that it was bad for me in an abstract kind of way. But the bad health that came with it was always way down the road and right then I felt good and I really enjoyed sitting out on the porch with a cigarette and a glass of wine chatting with my girlfriends. My head knew what I had to do, but my heart was never really in it. It wasn’t until I met my husband who hates smoke that I quit for good. Even then I had the occasional lapse until I found out I was pregnant the first time. When I finally was successful, I wasn’t quitting for me any longer, I was quitting for my child.

I’m trying to apply what I learned then to what I am doing now. Believe it or not, it’s been almost 4 years since I smoked my last cigarette and I still have a desire to smoke. Even now writing this and thinking about it, I’m battling that inner demon that is telling me to go get a pack to keep in my desk at work. That evil voice that is trying to convince me that it will help me lose weight and manage the stress I am under. It’s the same voice that tells me the double fudge brownies in the break room are an acceptable breakfast. It tells me that I’ll never have the body I had in my youth again so I might as well enjoy the food. That voice is the devil. I will not listen to that voice. The bad foods that I have been eating all these years are poison just as much as those cigarettes that I was puffing on. I know that the cravings will never go away completely, but that there will come a day when I am not consumed by them any longer. This time I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for my son. This time I will be successful.

I have a problem...

2010-02-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

As I am starting to lose weight, I am finding that my belly is starting to sag. I know this doesn't seem like a huge problem, but it's starting to make me a little self conscious. I think it's the stretched out skin from when I was pregnant, but I'm losing at a reasonable pace (1-2 pounds per week) so I really wasn't expecting it to be this bad. But it really is! My belly looks like a deflated balloon!

So to all you mamas out there- do you know of anything that will help my skin bounce back with more elasticity? Any miracle creams or lotions?

I really can't afford a tummy tuck, though I suspect that's the only cure.... :-(

Oh well, it's not going to stop me from losing more though :-)

Weigh In Week 6

2010-02-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

Drumroll….. 229.8

That’s a 2 week loss of 1.8 pounds.

Yes! I am finally in the 220’s. Woot Woot!

I hope that everyone had a very nice Valentine’s day last weekend. Mine was a bit low-key. I did really well though. My husband was smart and didn’t bring home chocolates this time. I was not so smart and brought candy for him and my son, which is now staring me in the face as we speak. And of course I bought all of my favorites, Reeses PB Cups, Twix, Chocolate covered pretzels… You know how many I ate? Zero! (I’m so proud of myself) I did cheat just a tiny bit though. I made one of my husband’s favorite dishes- Barbeque Ribs, and I didn’t realize how many carbs were in the barbeque sauce until they were done. So I figured as long as I was cheating, I would make it worth it and had four bites of the mashed potatoes too. I was good the rest of the day though, so I don’t feel too badly about it.

I just went out to lunch with my good friend E. It was great catching up with her. She’s started Jenny Craig and was telling me about that program. She said it’s been working, but the food is EXPENSIVE. It struck me that I always seem to gain a lot of weight when I’m poor. It’s one of those laws of the universe that you pay more for less food when trying to lose weight. If the world was fair you would pay a flat rate per calorie. Then I could achieve two goals at once, losing weight and saving money!

Will-power is a funny thing isn’t it? Sometimes I can walk right by the coffee cake in the break-room at work and not blink an eye. Other times I swear that I’m schizophrenic because there is a LOUD voice in my head that is trying to convince me to eat the friggin’ thing. When that happens I try to go to my happy place and repeat a silent mantra of “It’s poison.” On Friday the department I work in had a Valentine’s Day event where everyone brought in sweets. This was particularly hard because it all looked so good! Homemade brownies, chocolate truffles, vanilla cupcakes…. And all of it parked right next to the coffee station and water dispenser so I had to see (and smell) it all day long. I should have taken a picture to show you guys because it really was ridiculous. I did well though; I got through the day with only one (minor) breakdown where I took a tiny little taste of brownie. It was so small I can’t even say it was a bite. It was more like ½ bite. And then I decided that it didn’t taste that good. That the 10 minutes of pleasure I would get from eating it was not worth the set-back and undoing all that I worked so hard for over the last few weeks. So I tossed the rest out and quickly returned to my cubicle.

Now I’m off to get some coffee. Wish me luck, last I heard there were cinnamon buns hanging out over there……Poison! Yuck!

YUMMY video

2010-02-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

So my husband has developed a new hobby of making homemade videos to accompany his favorite tunes. This one is particularly good....it makes me hungry just watching it.

Savoy Truffle

Check it out and tell him what you think!

Hope everyone is doing well! I hope to have time for a lengthier post in the near future.

My story...

2010-02-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

So a couple of fabulous bloggers I have been reading have posted their thoughts on what happened to make them overweight. This got me thinking about how I got to where I am today. It’s been difficult for me to put it all into words. I was never really fat when I was a child. If I was overweight it was never by more than a couple of pounds. I was never very athletic as a child. I was the last one chosen in gym class every time. I was slow. I was clumsy. I was made fun of even though I was trying my hardest. This eventually led me to stop trying. I guess my grade school self figured it was better in the playground dynamic to be thought of as lazy rather than incapable. I began to hate excercise and I still hate it today.

I think I had a healthy relationship with food when I was a kid. I was a good eater, but not terribly fond of sweets. I hated chocolate as a child and my Easter candy usually lasted me until Halloween and vice versa. My mother used to say I had a fast metabolism and could eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I guess at the time she was right, I was growing so fast I never got very chubby. I also had a lot of play-mates in the neighborhood, mostly boys, who I would run around with everyday outside. We rode bikes, played tag, climbed trees and jungle gyms. So even though I hated exercise, I got plenty in the form of outdoor play.

I think things began to change as I got to middle school. My friends and I were beginning to hit puberty. The boys no longer had an interest in playing with me, and I stopped wanting to run around the playground like a little kid. I was never very popular with the girls in school. I had a bad haircut, new braces and bad acne. Plus I was a total geek. The only girls who would hang out with me were the other misfits in the school. This lasted throughout my high school years. Even though my skin cleared and the braces came off and I grew out my hair, I was always considered “unacceptable” to date. Other kids called me names, said I was ugly, disgusting… whatever. I wasn’t invited to parties and the guys wouldn’t even think of dating me. The tragic thing is, looking back, I can see that I was smoking hot back then, I just didn’t know it.

When I got to college, I wanted to make a fresh start of things. I figured that no one knew me and I could be anyone I wanted to be. I started by trying so hard to be one of the “in” girls. My freshman year I spent a fair amount of time going to fraternity parties and learning to flirt. I got drunk for the first time in my life and kissed my first boy. My lack of experience in previous years made me a little naive about how to handle the combination of alcohol and guys. One day I found myself in a high pressure situation where a guy I thought liked me tried diligently to get me to undress. I knew deep down in my hear that this was not the way I wanted my first time with a guy to be, so I said no and pushed him away. He got so angry about the whole thing. He called me horrible names and made me feel like a worm again. Then he told the whole school that we had sex anyway and made up embarrassing stories about the whole event.

By my second semester I realized that I didn’t want to be a part of that scene. I found other people who I considered to be part of my “tribe”. These folks were smart and friendly and a ton of fun to be with. I had conversations about deeply meaningful things. We wrote and read poetry together. We had our own parties where the music was good and the beer was cheap. We looked out for each other and because of that we felt comfortable taking risks that we would have been too afraid to take on our own. I fell in love for the first time, albeit secretly, with my best friend, Pete.

I was having such a great time, parties, food, alcohol… I started to gain a few pounds. Not so much that anyone would notice. I had such a huge crush on Pete that it nearly broke my heart. Like I said he was my best friend and I spent nearly every day with him. He of course loved me back, but in a different way. He had girlfriends, with whom I became friends with too. For the most part, they respected my place in his life and I tolerated the heartache and jealousy I felt knowing that they were receiving a part of him that would never be mine. During our senior year, he began dating the woman who would later become his wife, and that’s when I realized that eventually, one day, I would end up losing him.

To help mask the pain that my self-perceived inadequacies were causing me, I partied even more, I drank more than I should have. I guess my rational was my heart couldn’t possibly be breaking if I was having so much fun. After college I made the decision to move in with an old roommate of mine in Vermont rather than moving back in with my family. This was a good decision, but we were poor and ate a lot of bad food during this time. I stayed in touch with Pete, but since he was living in New Jersey, I was able to get out from under the crush that I had on him for so many years. I began dating, finally lost my virginity and had a pretty great life for awhile.

If I had to pinpoint when the weight really began to pile on, I would have to say it was around this time. I was eating out a lot. I was drinking a lot. It was COLD outside for 10 months of the year so we spent a lot of time sitting inside drinking beer and eating pizza and watching movies. I still pretty much maintained a decent figure; I think I was about a size 12 at this point in my life. I fell in love for the second time in my life with Bryan. This was a very unhealthy relationship for me. We started out as a romantic couple. He dumped me after we had sex the first time. Then he insisted that we become friends. But there was still a LOT of chemistry between the two of us. We spent every waking moment together for 3 years. We were friends and we were lovers but he would never commit to a relationship. We both dated other people, and we both hated seeing the other with someone else. He didn’t want me but he couldn’t let me go either. I wanted him to be “the one” for me so badly. He never felt he deserved to have that place in my future. I think he could have loved me, but I don’t think he knew how to love me. We went on like this breaking each other’s hearts for years. Even moving half-way across the country to Colorado didn’t end it. Finally while visiting him in Texas I told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him. His response was “why?”

I was living in Denver and hurt beyond description. I swore off men and I think I subconsciously began to take steps to make myself as undesirable as possible. I used food as a balm to sooth my wounds. I didn’t care that I was gaining weight. I surrounded myself with gay men who told me I was beautiful and flirted with me and took me dancing. I had all the benefits of male companionship without any risk of falling in love. I grew to 195 pounds and a size 16 during this time, and I didn’t care. I tried half heartedly after awhile to lose some weight. I would lose 5 or 10 pounds and then put it back on. Then I turned 29 and realized I was a year from turning 30 and my life was not at all what I really wanted it to be. I realized that while I loved my friends dearly, I was using them as a shield from the real world and as an excuse not to put myself at risk. I made the very difficult decision to leave the safety of my little bubble and move back to New Jersey.

Back in Jersey I fell in love for the third and last time with Hubby. I remember the night I met him I had taken a huge risk and gone to a party I was invited to by one of the guys at work. I had only been back in Jersey for 5 months and didn’t really know anyone. I was questioning whether or not I had done the right thing. I prayed for a moment and asked God to show me who he wanted me to be, to show me who he wanted me to be with. I asked God that night to show me my husband for life. Then I walked into the bar and it was like a light was shining down on Hubby from above. We connected instantly and I knew as I drove home that night that he was my forever love. For the first time in my life someone I had given my heart to loved me back. My husband adores me and inconceivably thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world just as I am. And I cannot fathom what my life would be like without him. As much as I adore him for his quiet acceptance of me for who I am, I think knowing that his love was completely unconditional allowed me to continue to eat as I had grown accustomed to during my “get fat” years.

While depressed and attempting to eat myself into spinsterhood, I developed a craving for food. I began to enjoy to company of the dinner table. I loved to eat at fine restaurants for dinner with friends. I looked forward to brunch on Sunday mornings with the gang. I began to equate eating rich food with having a rich life. I confused the abundance on the table with abundance in my life. Naturally that association with food equaling happiness stayed with me and now that I had true happiness for the first time in my life, the food came with it.

I did see what was happening after awhile. After moving in with Hubby I tried to diet again. He supported me without ever making me feel fat. I lost about 15 pounds in time for our wedding and looked better than I had in years. I became pregnant a few months later and our joy was immeasurable. Then I lost the baby 4 weeks later. My depression was crushing. Like I had so many times before, I turned to food to ease my sadness. I gained back all that I had lost and then some. When I got pregnant again a few months later, we found that I had a hormonal imbalance. I had to take progesterone for the first 12 weeks. I also felt very sick and found that the only thing that made the nausea go away was eating carbs. The combined result was that I gained close to 20 pounds the first trimester. By the end of my pregnancy I weighed in at a whopping 265 pounds. After delivering my son, I halfheartedly tried to lose the weight. I had a c-section which made exercise difficult at first and provided me with a great excuse to avoid it even when I could have done it.

My son had some difficulties as an infant with low tone and these strange neurological episodes that took awhile to figure out. Luckily everything turned out okay, the episodes were a type of infant migraine and the low tone is improving with physical therapy. At the time though it was extremely stressful not knowing what was going on with him and at the same time having to return to work. I was so exhausted by work and taking care of my son that I neglected to take care of myself. Then when he turned one last year I saw myself in the videos of his party and I wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to erase the video of my son’s first birthday party because I was so gross looking in it. And I thought to myself, how ridiculous is that? That I would rather erase all the memories of my time with my son than to just suck it up and make the changes that I needed to make?

So here I am - finally making the changes to myself that I should have made years ago. I can see after writing this all out that it wasn’t one moment in time that made me fat. It wasn’t just one person or one heartache. It wasn’t genetic or bad parenting. It was me. I did it to myself. Everyone experiences pain in life. I chose to respond to that pain with food. I have every reason to believe that I will have pain enter my life again at sometime in the future. Right here and right now I am saying that I am going to chose NOT to respond the same way I have always done. I will find a different way to comfort myself. I am committed this time to making the change mentally as well as physically.

Whew……….! Sorry for the long post, I think that writing it all out like this really did help. I didn’t realize I had all that bottled up inside me!

It's the little things that make me happy.

2010-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

Today I’m celebrating a little victory. I can take my wedding ring on and off without having to soap up my finger. I haven’t been able to do that since I was about 8 months pregnant, at which point I had to go out and buy a cheap fake ring for my swollen hand.

So hooray for me!Now I’m off to the store. My husband wants us to stock up on supplies and I have to try to find a shovel before the snow hits tonight. I’m hoping that it comes later then they are saying. I hate driving in bad weather.

Although, I have to say the idea of being snowed in and not having to go anywhere sounds mighty appealing right about now!

Weigh in week 4

2010-02-02T04:11:00.000-08:00

231.6. That's a loss of 2.4 pounds from 2 weeks ago.

That means I get to pick out some earrings today! :-) And I get a nifty new badge for my page~
I'm doing the dance of joy... whoop whoop!

I'm so happy to be losing again. I think part of that last stall had to do with it being my TOM.
I really wanted to quit for a couple of days. I pushed back against the voice in my head that said "this just isn't worth it" and I'm glad I did.
Its true that I would probably be losing faster if I was following a strict eating plan like Atkins or South Beach instead of doing a casual "low carb" approach.
But I just don't think I would be sticking to it as well for the long term. I mean, who can eat like that for the rest of their lives? Plus I find that when I have a lot of "rules" about what I can and cannot eat I get kind of obsessed with food. And the last thing I need to do is spend my waking hours thinking about what I want to eat.
Also- I still have not managed to fit in excercise. Unless chasing my 21 month old son around counts (that kid can really wipe me out sometimes!) I know I have to find a way to make this happen, even if it is only on the weekends. So that's going to be a goal this month. To try to find at least 2 hours of excercise time a week.

So that's my update. I know I still have some work to do and improvements to make. It's going to be a hard year, but I CAN do this and I AM worth it.

Awesome Low Carb recipe.

2010-01-30T16:07:00.000-08:00

Oh my God I just loved this recipe courtesy of Linda's Low Carb Menus.

This Spicy Chicken and Spinach Casserole was just the thing on a insanely cold day like today.

I didn't have the sour cream, so I omitted that and I used a bag of fresh salad spinach instead of the frozen. Even my husband and 1 year old son loved it. And my husband normally hates spinach.

My son kept saying Mmmmm Yummy! as he gobbled it down. I served it with rice and tostadas for them and a low carb tortilla for me.

I think that's what I like so much about low carb dieting. That I can easily make one meal that the whole family can eat together and just tweek a few things at serving time.

At 5 net carbs per serving + 3 net carbs from the LC tortilla, I felt I could splurge on a Bud Light Lime (8 carbs).

Mmmmmm Belly is very happy!

Absenteeism

2010-01-29T10:07:00.001-08:00

Sorry I disappeared for awhile.

I’ve been dealing with some things in my family that have taken my attention from blogging. Turns out my Grandfather, who was more of a dad to me than my biological father was, has lung cancer that spread to his liver. This is his third bout with cancer, but it doesn’t look like this time he’s going to beat it. I’m sad, but at peace with it now. He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. So my family has needed me to be there right now. But now that the initial shock of the situation has dulled slightly, life is beginning to settle back into its old familiar routines.

The weight loss has been excruciatingly slow. I think I’ve lost maybe ½ pound in the last two weeks. I’m really not cheating that much, so I’m not sure what’s going on. Can you plateau this early on? I’m not good at counting and measuring, so I’ve been trying to eyeball everything. I guess it’s time to get a kitchen scale. I know I don’t drink enough water. So I bought a nice water bottle to keep on my desk. I have a pledge to drink two bottles before leaving for the day. I was skipping breakfast the last few days too, so I decided to stop doing that. Hopefully these changes will get me back to losing significant amounts again.

Keeping my fingers crossed for Tuesday!

Everybody needs a goal...

2010-01-21T07:13:00.000-08:00

I was noticed! Hooray! My good friend Sara at work today asked me if I was on a diet because she noticed that I was looking thinner. She’s such a sweetheart and totally made my day. I’ve been keeping my weight loss attempt this time to myself for the most part. I’ve only really told my husband and my mom so far. I don’t know why, I guess I was just a little embarrassed to be trying AGAIN to lose the pounds.

Thanks for the encouragement on the last post too. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Continuous Changes was right, she said “It's harder to build yourself up when you are the first person to tear yourself down!!” So I’m taking this advice to heart. I am going to try not to beat myself up for my mistakes. And I am going to try to reinforce good behavior with a reward system for meeting little goals. This way I have something to look forward to and motivate me along the way.

So here’s the list-

5 pounds gone – New earrings
10 pounds gone- Trip to the Almay make-up counter
15 pounds gone- Manicure
20 pounds gone- Cute new sundress
25 pounds gone- New strappy sandals
30 pounds gone- Shorts (hate wearing b/c my knees are so fat.)
35 pounds gone- Bathing Suit
40 pounds gone- Sexy underwear
45 pounds gone- New jeans
50 pounds gone- Shopping spree!

I’m only a little more than one pound away from those new earrings. I can’t wait to go shopping!

Consistantly inconsistant........

2010-01-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

Weigh in Week 2

234.00 loss of 0.2

Are you kidding me??? Seriously? What the hell! Only .2 pounds…

THIS REALLY SUCKS.

I know a loss is a loss. But at this rate it’s going to take me 3 ½ years to get to my first goal. Seeing that this morning really makes me hate myself. I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive. I want to cry but I can’t. I’m not giving up. I’m going to stick with it.

I feel humiliated and embarrassed. I feel like a disgusting whale. I am completely depressed. What did I do wrong? The only thing I can think of is I did little cheats here and there. Nothing major, but a taste while cooking for my son and husband, licking the spoon after making them dessert, a slice of bread over the weekend…

NO MORE!

I guess I was feeling a little cocky after the first week’s big number. I am going to start getting on the scale every day again. I know that seems obsessive, but I would rather catch a creep-up immediately so I know what might have caused it.

I have no patience for this bull pucky. I want to be thin NOW darn it!

Argh.